I have been thinking about a conversation that I had with an Aunt. She said that my uncle, her husband, was mad about the abuse that I experienced because it stole His time with me, when I was small. She said that He turned to her nieces and played with them like crazy. I wonder if that’s part of the reason that we never had that much interaction with their boys. I know that there were age differences but there really isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t have had a good relationship with their oldest one, he is close to the age of one of my best friends. When I mentioned this to my Mother she told me that another one of my uncles thought I hated him until he found out what had been happening.
I have never looked at thing from this perspective before. I have never really considered the effects of the abuse on anyone other than myself and perhaps my parents. I never really thought about how the rest of my family would be affected – should be affected. I know that it’s not my fault but in a way I feel like it is.
Why would I let this affect my relationship with my other uncles?
Could it be that subconsciously I thought that they would treat me the same way?
In some ways this new perspective horrifies me. How many other relationships were lost because of this abuse? How many are being affected, still, today?
Can these relationships be minded?
In a conversation with Mom about all this she pointed out that my uncles, on the other side of the family, should have been just as upset if not more so. My time and relationship with them were stolen as well. However, they should have felt that their trust in a loved one was stolen. Shouldn’t they have felt betrayed?
What if it had been one of my other cousins instead of me?
Would it have been handled any differently?
For years I have felt like they consider their happiness to be more important than me. They would rather keep the peace within the established family rather than take up for one insignificant child. They found dumb reasons to cast me out rather than the one who committed the crime. Why? Why not deal with the actual problem? If they were afraid of breaking the family apart shouldn’t they have considered, that by choosing Him over me, that they were actually alienating my parents as well? I don’t understand.
I keep thinking about other families, that I am aware of, that have had to deal with similar situations. I can understand the family still loving Him because you can’t just stop loving someone, no matter what they do. God calls us to love one another, even our enemies.
I wonder; what if something like that happened on Mom’s side of the family?
How would I react?
In each of these other families the situations were still dealt with. It has been hard in each case but the right thing is being done in order to protect those who could be hurt. Could it be that measures have to be taken against the offender not only to protect others but maybe even themselves?
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Suicide
For a good portion of my life I have had to deal with a lot of sickness. Most of which the doctors could not figure out. They just gave me narcotics to treat it, whatever “it” was. I was dealing with unexplainable pain, nausea, as well as migraines, anxiety and depression. At one point I was dealing with hallucinations and voices, however that is another story all together.
I can remember lying on my bed one day just thinking about all the issues that my family and I were dealing with. I was dealing with the realization that my uncle, that I thought loved me, was actually abusing me for his own gain and trying to keep anyone from knowing what had been going on. I was physically sick and the doctors were telling me that there’s nothing wrong, that it’s all in my mind. I was also having severe reactions to the medications that the doctors keep putting me on to treat the illnesses they said weren’t real. My parents were worried, discouraged, stressed and all of my doctors’ visits were becoming a financial burden to them.
I began to think about suicide. It made sense to me. I was not happy and my parents were not happy. My uncle had already made it clear to me that my purpose in life was not a pleasant one, since I was only put here on earth to please men. Suicide just seemed to make the most sense.
I laid there on my bed and thought about how I would go about killing myself. I thought about several different things until I came to one. It was perfect, so I thought. All I had to do was get up and carry out my plan. It was at this point of decision when the Spirit of the Lord came to me and said, “You know that if you do this you will go to Hell.” I thought about this for a moment and responded, “Yes I do… I don’t want to go to Hell.”
When I accepted that truth and decided that I truly wanted to be with the Lord in Heaven, God came down and removed all the thoughts and desire for suicide in my heart and mind. He so completely removed it that I, instantly, could not remember how I had planned on carrying it out. To this day I still cannot remember.
God is such a wonderful, merciful and loving Savior.
I can remember lying on my bed one day just thinking about all the issues that my family and I were dealing with. I was dealing with the realization that my uncle, that I thought loved me, was actually abusing me for his own gain and trying to keep anyone from knowing what had been going on. I was physically sick and the doctors were telling me that there’s nothing wrong, that it’s all in my mind. I was also having severe reactions to the medications that the doctors keep putting me on to treat the illnesses they said weren’t real. My parents were worried, discouraged, stressed and all of my doctors’ visits were becoming a financial burden to them.
I began to think about suicide. It made sense to me. I was not happy and my parents were not happy. My uncle had already made it clear to me that my purpose in life was not a pleasant one, since I was only put here on earth to please men. Suicide just seemed to make the most sense.
I laid there on my bed and thought about how I would go about killing myself. I thought about several different things until I came to one. It was perfect, so I thought. All I had to do was get up and carry out my plan. It was at this point of decision when the Spirit of the Lord came to me and said, “You know that if you do this you will go to Hell.” I thought about this for a moment and responded, “Yes I do… I don’t want to go to Hell.”
When I accepted that truth and decided that I truly wanted to be with the Lord in Heaven, God came down and removed all the thoughts and desire for suicide in my heart and mind. He so completely removed it that I, instantly, could not remember how I had planned on carrying it out. To this day I still cannot remember.
God is such a wonderful, merciful and loving Savior.
I AM Good Enough
God has done so much for me with in the past several weeks, months. He has delivered me from anxiety, brought me through depression and He has given me confidence that I have not had before. He has not stopped proving Himself to me.
The biggest lie that I have had to deal with is that, “I am not good enough.” This thought has permeated my entire being. I am not good enough at work, at being a daughter, friend, a Christian or anything else you can imagine. A couple of few weeks ago I was having a really hard time, thinking that I was not good enough to help pray for the revival efforts going on at my church.
I wanted to go pray during lunch one day and faced a battle within my mind. I knew I needed to pray for revival but I felt like I still had things wrong with me and that I couldn’t pray for other people who needed help when I still needed help. I knew that this was a lie of the enemy and that I was capable of praying for other people I just felt like I needed to pray for help myself. I felt selfish for wanting this and the devil used that against me. I went to the church anyway unsure of what I was actually going to do.
I got to the church still in turmoil of how I should try to pray and the Lord spoke to my heart and simply said, “I am your councilor.” All my thought stopped and that realization sunk in. My only response was, “Oh, OK Lord.” He led me into the sanctuary, and down to the front pew where I sat down. He then began to talk me through all these thoughts that I have been having and dealing with them like a counselor would. I had to go back out to my car for my journal to write down all that He was giving me. I wanted to share a bit.
~Why do I not think I am good enough?
~Did God tell me that?
Answer: No
~Who did?
Answer: the enemy, the devil, the father of lies.
~Why are you afraid to fail?
Everyone fails; there is only one who is perfect.
Remember what was said the other night in a testimony,
“It’s possible that it could be safer to err on the side of being in the flesh rather than miss the Spirit of God telling you to do something.”
God cares for individuals as well as a move of His spirit. Why else would He be dealing with the church to remove individual obstacles from each life. His spirit is moving because His people are responding to Him at the same time, in one accord, to become closer to Him and be within His will.
He cares for me and does not want me to feel this way!
He loves me! INDIVIDUALLY!
Help me Lord to be able to accept deliverance from this battle by your hand.
This may not seem like much to anyone else but when I left the church that day, I was a different person.
The biggest lie that I have had to deal with is that, “I am not good enough.” This thought has permeated my entire being. I am not good enough at work, at being a daughter, friend, a Christian or anything else you can imagine. A couple of few weeks ago I was having a really hard time, thinking that I was not good enough to help pray for the revival efforts going on at my church.
I wanted to go pray during lunch one day and faced a battle within my mind. I knew I needed to pray for revival but I felt like I still had things wrong with me and that I couldn’t pray for other people who needed help when I still needed help. I knew that this was a lie of the enemy and that I was capable of praying for other people I just felt like I needed to pray for help myself. I felt selfish for wanting this and the devil used that against me. I went to the church anyway unsure of what I was actually going to do.
I got to the church still in turmoil of how I should try to pray and the Lord spoke to my heart and simply said, “I am your councilor.” All my thought stopped and that realization sunk in. My only response was, “Oh, OK Lord.” He led me into the sanctuary, and down to the front pew where I sat down. He then began to talk me through all these thoughts that I have been having and dealing with them like a counselor would. I had to go back out to my car for my journal to write down all that He was giving me. I wanted to share a bit.
~Why do I not think I am good enough?
~Did God tell me that?
Answer: No
~Who did?
Answer: the enemy, the devil, the father of lies.
~Why are you afraid to fail?
Everyone fails; there is only one who is perfect.
Remember what was said the other night in a testimony,
“It’s possible that it could be safer to err on the side of being in the flesh rather than miss the Spirit of God telling you to do something.”
God cares for individuals as well as a move of His spirit. Why else would He be dealing with the church to remove individual obstacles from each life. His spirit is moving because His people are responding to Him at the same time, in one accord, to become closer to Him and be within His will.
He cares for me and does not want me to feel this way!
He loves me! INDIVIDUALLY!
Help me Lord to be able to accept deliverance from this battle by your hand.
This may not seem like much to anyone else but when I left the church that day, I was a different person.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Beloved
I do not believe that I am any different from any other woman. I dream of finding my one true love, my knight in shining armor. While I do consider myself a hopeless romantic I understand that there are no fairy tale romances in real life. Nevertheless, one of my hearts desires has always been to find a husband. I have been hindered for so long in this effort and never understood why. I thought that it just wasn’t in God’s will for me to have someone in my life, to never know the love of a companion. This thought has grieved me for years.
Before I knew where God would lead me, I was beginning to confide in a friend of mine, who just so happened to be a councilor. One day when I was sharing this desire for a relationship with her, she said something that really made me stop and think. Her words to me were, “Maybe God wants you to work on yourself before He brings someone else into your life.” I heard the truth of it immediately, however I didn’t know what it meant.
Not long after this conversation God opened my eyes to what needed to happen in my heart. (Refer to my previous post, My Testimony.) One of the things that I have had to try to do in this journey of healing is learn how to feel emotions instead of suppress them. The feelings of being unlovable and void of value were and, at times, still are the strongest emotions. I began to deal with these as best I could.
While out of town one night I turned on the TV, found a romantic move and became interested in the storyline. I watched as my two favorite characters inevitably fell in love. A deep sorrow settled on me and that night I remember lying in bed sobbing into my pillow asking God, “Why can’t I be loved!” After a few minutes of listening to my heart ache, God said to me,
“You have to be able to accept My love before you can accept anyone else’s.”
I began to do some serious self examination on my feelings toward God. I wanted to understand the love relationship that we can have with Christ. I thought about the illustrations of Christ being a bridegroom and the church being His bride. I could not keep from wondering, “Is it wrong to think of Jesus as being my husband? Can I really have that kind of relationship with Him?”
I looked through the Bible looking for God’s love. I know, that sounds crazy. I tried different chapters and verses in the Bible that I thought would give me what I was looking for and kept coming up empty. I know that God loves us but I kept seeing it as a father and child love relationship and that wasn’t what I needed. I could see Him as a king and ruler over my life but not a husband. I kept getting caught up with the physical aspects of it. I wanted someone to hold me when I was having a bad day or give me their shoulder to cry on when I needed one. Someone told me that God could send us people who would act as His arms but that didn’t satisfy me either. I wanted to, Literally, fall into the arms of Jesus.
As an answer to the questions in my mind and heart I heard poetry come through the speakers of my car. These words are what caught my attention;
Love of my life • Look deep in my eyes • There you will find what you need…
You’re my beloved • Lover I’m yours • and Death shall not part us • It’s you I died for • For better or worse • Forever we’ll be • Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me.
For a moment my mind, thoughts and heart seemed to be completely still and then excitement came. Could this really be God’s answer to me?
I listened to this song, Beloved, over and over again, knowing that it held a message to me from God. Still, I had trouble understanding.
During revival, there was a message about the love relationship we have with God. This message began to put the pieces together for me. I began to see that Jesus is already in love with me, that He is calling me closer to Him. He wants that same intimate connection with me that I have been wanting with Him. I have been listening to the enemy who keeps telling me that no one wants me not even God can love me. The Spirit moved on my heart and I understood something that had been alluding me from the beginning.
The Spiritual intimacy that I can have with Christ is far greater than any physical intimacy that I could have with someone here, in this world.
It’s such a simple thought that once it was given to me I wondered why it had never occurred to me before.
Today I know that God sees me as not just a child, subject or servant but as a Woman. He knows me and my needs with a deeper understanding than I do. He wants me to know Him in the same way. There is a spiritual woman inside me that is beginning to stand up and take a stand against the lies that the enemy has been feeding me for the past twenty-four years.
God Loves Me! My Lord! My Jesus! The Lover of My Soul!
Before I knew where God would lead me, I was beginning to confide in a friend of mine, who just so happened to be a councilor. One day when I was sharing this desire for a relationship with her, she said something that really made me stop and think. Her words to me were, “Maybe God wants you to work on yourself before He brings someone else into your life.” I heard the truth of it immediately, however I didn’t know what it meant.
Not long after this conversation God opened my eyes to what needed to happen in my heart. (Refer to my previous post, My Testimony.) One of the things that I have had to try to do in this journey of healing is learn how to feel emotions instead of suppress them. The feelings of being unlovable and void of value were and, at times, still are the strongest emotions. I began to deal with these as best I could.
While out of town one night I turned on the TV, found a romantic move and became interested in the storyline. I watched as my two favorite characters inevitably fell in love. A deep sorrow settled on me and that night I remember lying in bed sobbing into my pillow asking God, “Why can’t I be loved!” After a few minutes of listening to my heart ache, God said to me,
“You have to be able to accept My love before you can accept anyone else’s.”
I began to do some serious self examination on my feelings toward God. I wanted to understand the love relationship that we can have with Christ. I thought about the illustrations of Christ being a bridegroom and the church being His bride. I could not keep from wondering, “Is it wrong to think of Jesus as being my husband? Can I really have that kind of relationship with Him?”
I looked through the Bible looking for God’s love. I know, that sounds crazy. I tried different chapters and verses in the Bible that I thought would give me what I was looking for and kept coming up empty. I know that God loves us but I kept seeing it as a father and child love relationship and that wasn’t what I needed. I could see Him as a king and ruler over my life but not a husband. I kept getting caught up with the physical aspects of it. I wanted someone to hold me when I was having a bad day or give me their shoulder to cry on when I needed one. Someone told me that God could send us people who would act as His arms but that didn’t satisfy me either. I wanted to, Literally, fall into the arms of Jesus.
As an answer to the questions in my mind and heart I heard poetry come through the speakers of my car. These words are what caught my attention;
Love of my life • Look deep in my eyes • There you will find what you need…
You’re my beloved • Lover I’m yours • and Death shall not part us • It’s you I died for • For better or worse • Forever we’ll be • Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me.
For a moment my mind, thoughts and heart seemed to be completely still and then excitement came. Could this really be God’s answer to me?
I listened to this song, Beloved, over and over again, knowing that it held a message to me from God. Still, I had trouble understanding.
During revival, there was a message about the love relationship we have with God. This message began to put the pieces together for me. I began to see that Jesus is already in love with me, that He is calling me closer to Him. He wants that same intimate connection with me that I have been wanting with Him. I have been listening to the enemy who keeps telling me that no one wants me not even God can love me. The Spirit moved on my heart and I understood something that had been alluding me from the beginning.
The Spiritual intimacy that I can have with Christ is far greater than any physical intimacy that I could have with someone here, in this world.
It’s such a simple thought that once it was given to me I wondered why it had never occurred to me before.
Today I know that God sees me as not just a child, subject or servant but as a Woman. He knows me and my needs with a deeper understanding than I do. He wants me to know Him in the same way. There is a spiritual woman inside me that is beginning to stand up and take a stand against the lies that the enemy has been feeding me for the past twenty-four years.
God Loves Me! My Lord! My Jesus! The Lover of My Soul!
Monday, August 2, 2010
My Testimony
When I was small, 6 years old, I began to face an evil that continued for six years. I am now an adult living with the affects of this past child abuse. My abuser was someone trusted by my family. No one would have ever thought of him as a pedophile.
God wants to bring me out from under that evil. It’s something that I have lived with for nearly my entire life. I never understood or really knew the affects of it until God put His finger on this situation, a little under a year ago. Since then He has pointed me down the road that He would have me to travel. It’s a dark one. However, I know that He is the light that illuminates my path, one step at a time.
I know now that most of the trouble that I face physically and emotionally comes from this past abuse. I have dealt with physical pain in just about every part of my body, migraine headaches, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts over the years.
God called me to pray for my own healing a few years ago. Not long after I began to pray He told me that my physical problems come from an evil source. Even knowing my own history it never really clicked as to the true meaning of this.
Later God began to deal with me about having a closer walk with Him. I began to eliminate things out of my life as He pointed them out to me. I suppose you could say that I was fasting those things in my life that didn’t have anything to do with God. I had been filling myself up with things of this world and leaving no room for the things of God. During this fasting time, I was not to read any secular books or watch any secular entertainment. I was to only have things that had to do with God.
I began reading Christian based fiction and looking for Christian based movies. God began to speak to me through those books and the situations that each character faced. He began to show me what can happen to people when they bury things deep inside them and refuse to deal with it. I went through 6 books before I came to the place that God wanted me. It was the seventh book, A Rush of Wings, that really brought everything together for me. It was with this character that I found myself looking into a mirror.
It was a shock to me when God pointed this situation out. I don’t know why, unless it was because I was so afraid of what might happen if I really were to face it. So much is wrapped up in this situation, not just the abuse but things that came after as well as things that happened once everything was made known to my family.
As I began to pray about the direction I was to take, God spoke directly to my heart and said, “You have to let your spirit be healed before I can heal your body.” At that moment I made a commitment to do the will of God and I knew that for once I was doing Exactly what He wanted me to do.
It is obvious to me, now, that God has sent people into my life to help me with all the strugels that I am and have faced. As I began to accept this path and to pray about it I had several different feelings. The first was a kind of excitement. I thought about the kind of person that I would be on the other side of this and knew that I would come out of it closer to God. The next was a very real fear and sinking feeling, because of the thought that I was going to have to face the darkest part of my life. I knew that things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. The third was the feeling of walls, inside me, crumbling down and releasing a flood of emotions that I have kept hidden and locked away All my life. Sometimes it feels like I am going to be washed away by the tide. That’s when I have to remember who put me on this path and literally make him my anchor.
I am learning more about myself and my relationship with God all the time. The most important realization came the other night in revival while standing at the alter.
God is going to bring me out of this!
I do not put my testimony out here looking for sympathy. I have shared it to tell what God is doing for me, in my life. I will write more later but for now I just want to encourage others that no matter what kind of darkness you have faced or are facing now – God is bigger!
God wants to bring me out from under that evil. It’s something that I have lived with for nearly my entire life. I never understood or really knew the affects of it until God put His finger on this situation, a little under a year ago. Since then He has pointed me down the road that He would have me to travel. It’s a dark one. However, I know that He is the light that illuminates my path, one step at a time.
I know now that most of the trouble that I face physically and emotionally comes from this past abuse. I have dealt with physical pain in just about every part of my body, migraine headaches, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts over the years.
God called me to pray for my own healing a few years ago. Not long after I began to pray He told me that my physical problems come from an evil source. Even knowing my own history it never really clicked as to the true meaning of this.
Later God began to deal with me about having a closer walk with Him. I began to eliminate things out of my life as He pointed them out to me. I suppose you could say that I was fasting those things in my life that didn’t have anything to do with God. I had been filling myself up with things of this world and leaving no room for the things of God. During this fasting time, I was not to read any secular books or watch any secular entertainment. I was to only have things that had to do with God.
I began reading Christian based fiction and looking for Christian based movies. God began to speak to me through those books and the situations that each character faced. He began to show me what can happen to people when they bury things deep inside them and refuse to deal with it. I went through 6 books before I came to the place that God wanted me. It was the seventh book, A Rush of Wings, that really brought everything together for me. It was with this character that I found myself looking into a mirror.
It was a shock to me when God pointed this situation out. I don’t know why, unless it was because I was so afraid of what might happen if I really were to face it. So much is wrapped up in this situation, not just the abuse but things that came after as well as things that happened once everything was made known to my family.
As I began to pray about the direction I was to take, God spoke directly to my heart and said, “You have to let your spirit be healed before I can heal your body.” At that moment I made a commitment to do the will of God and I knew that for once I was doing Exactly what He wanted me to do.
It is obvious to me, now, that God has sent people into my life to help me with all the strugels that I am and have faced. As I began to accept this path and to pray about it I had several different feelings. The first was a kind of excitement. I thought about the kind of person that I would be on the other side of this and knew that I would come out of it closer to God. The next was a very real fear and sinking feeling, because of the thought that I was going to have to face the darkest part of my life. I knew that things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. The third was the feeling of walls, inside me, crumbling down and releasing a flood of emotions that I have kept hidden and locked away All my life. Sometimes it feels like I am going to be washed away by the tide. That’s when I have to remember who put me on this path and literally make him my anchor.
I am learning more about myself and my relationship with God all the time. The most important realization came the other night in revival while standing at the alter.
God is going to bring me out of this!
I do not put my testimony out here looking for sympathy. I have shared it to tell what God is doing for me, in my life. I will write more later but for now I just want to encourage others that no matter what kind of darkness you have faced or are facing now – God is bigger!
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