My Testimony

When I was small, 6 years old, I began to face an evil that continued for six years. I am now an adult living with the affects of this past child abuse. My abuser was someone trusted by my family. No one would have ever thought of him as a pedophile.

God wants to bring me out from under that evil. It’s something that I have lived with for nearly my entire life. I never understood or really knew the affects of it until God put His finger on this situation, a little under a year ago. Since then He has pointed me down the road that He would have me to travel. It’s a dark one. However, I know that He is the light that illuminates my path, one step at a time.

I know now that most of the trouble that I face physically and emotionally comes from this past abuse. I have dealt with physical pain in just about every part of my body, migraine headaches, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts over the years.

God called me to pray for my own healing a few years ago. Not long after I began to pray He told me that my physical problems come from an evil source. Even knowing my own history it never really clicked as to the true meaning of this.

Later God began to deal with me about having a closer walk with Him. I began to eliminate things out of my life as He pointed them out to me. I suppose you could say that I was fasting those things in my life that didn’t have anything to do with God. I had been filling myself up with things of this world and leaving no room for the things of God. During this fasting time, I was not to read any secular books or watch any secular entertainment. I was to only have things that had to do with God.

I began reading Christian based fiction and looking for Christian based movies. God began to speak to me through those books and the situations that each character faced. He began to show me what can happen to people when they bury things deep inside them and refuse to deal with it. I went through 6 books before I came to the place that God wanted me. It was the seventh book, A Rush of Wings, that really brought everything together for me. It was with this character that I found myself looking into a mirror.

It was a shock to me when God pointed this situation out. I don’t know why, unless it was because I was so afraid of what might happen if I really were to face it. So much is wrapped up in this situation, not just the abuse but things that came after as well as things that happened once everything was made known to my family.

As I began to pray about the direction I was to take, God spoke directly to my heart and said, “You have to let your spirit be healed before I can heal your body.” At that moment I made a commitment to do the will of God and I knew that for once I was doing Exactly what He wanted me to do.

It is obvious to me, now, that God has sent people into my life to help me with all the strugels that I am and have faced. As I began to accept this path and to pray about it I had several different feelings. The first was a kind of excitement. I thought about the kind of person that I would be on the other side of this and knew that I would come out of it closer to God. The next was a very real fear and sinking feeling, because of the thought that I was going to have to face the darkest part of my life. I knew that things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. The third was the feeling of walls, inside me, crumbling down and releasing a flood of emotions that I have kept hidden and locked away All my life. Sometimes it feels like I am going to be washed away by the tide. That’s when I have to remember who put me on this path and literally make him my anchor.

I am learning more about myself and my relationship with God all the time. The most important realization came the other night in revival while standing at the alter.

God is going to bring me out of this!

I do not put my testimony out here looking for sympathy. I have shared it to tell what God is doing for me, in my life. I will write more later but for now I just want to encourage others that no matter what kind of darkness you have faced or are facing now – God is bigger!