Suicide

For a good portion of my life I have had to deal with a lot of sickness. Most of which the doctors could not figure out. They just gave me narcotics to treat it, whatever “it” was. I was dealing with unexplainable pain, nausea, as well as migraines, anxiety and depression. At one point I was dealing with hallucinations and voices, however that is another story all together.

I can remember lying on my bed one day just thinking about all the issues that my family and I were dealing with. I was dealing with the realization that my uncle, that I thought loved me, was actually abusing me for his own gain and trying to keep anyone from knowing what had been going on. I was physically sick and the doctors were telling me that there’s nothing wrong, that it’s all in my mind. I was also having severe reactions to the medications that the doctors keep putting me on to treat the illnesses they said weren’t real. My parents were worried, discouraged, stressed and all of my doctors’ visits were becoming a financial burden to them.

I began to think about suicide. It made sense to me. I was not happy and my parents were not happy. My uncle had already made it clear to me that my purpose in life was not a pleasant one, since I was only put here on earth to please men. Suicide just seemed to make the most sense.

I laid there on my bed and thought about how I would go about killing myself. I thought about several different things until I came to one. It was perfect, so I thought. All I had to do was get up and carry out my plan. It was at this point of decision when the Spirit of the Lord came to me and said, “You know that if you do this you will go to Hell.” I thought about this for a moment and responded, “Yes I do… I don’t want to go to Hell.”

When I accepted that truth and decided that I truly wanted to be with the Lord in Heaven, God came down and removed all the thoughts and desire for suicide in my heart and mind. He so completely removed it that I, instantly, could not remember how I had planned on carrying it out. To this day I still cannot remember.

God is such a wonderful, merciful and loving Savior.

I AM Good Enough

God has done so much for me with in the past several weeks, months. He has delivered me from anxiety, brought me through depression and He has given me confidence that I have not had before. He has not stopped proving Himself to me.

The biggest lie that I have had to deal with is that, “I am not good enough.” This thought has permeated my entire being. I am not good enough at work, at being a daughter, friend, a Christian or anything else you can imagine. A couple of few weeks ago I was having a really hard time, thinking that I was not good enough to help pray for the revival efforts going on at my church.

I wanted to go pray during lunch one day and faced a battle within my mind. I knew I needed to pray for revival but I felt like I still had things wrong with me and that I couldn’t pray for other people who needed help when I still needed help. I knew that this was a lie of the enemy and that I was capable of praying for other people I just felt like I needed to pray for help myself. I felt selfish for wanting this and the devil used that against me. I went to the church anyway unsure of what I was actually going to do.

I got to the church still in turmoil of how I should try to pray and the Lord spoke to my heart and simply said, “I am your councilor.” All my thought stopped and that realization sunk in. My only response was, “Oh, OK Lord.” He led me into the sanctuary, and down to the front pew where I sat down. He then began to talk me through all these thoughts that I have been having and dealing with them like a counselor would. I had to go back out to my car for my journal to write down all that He was giving me. I wanted to share a bit.

~Why do I not think I am good enough?
~Did God tell me that?
Answer: No
~Who did?
Answer: the enemy, the devil, the father of lies.
~Why are you afraid to fail?
Everyone fails; there is only one who is perfect.
Remember what was said the other night in a testimony,
“It’s possible that it could be safer to err on the side of being in the flesh rather than miss the Spirit of God telling you to do something.”

God cares for individuals as well as a move of His spirit. Why else would He be dealing with the church to remove individual obstacles from each life. His spirit is moving because His people are responding to Him at the same time, in one accord, to become closer to Him and be within His will.

He cares for me and does not want me to feel this way!

He loves me! INDIVIDUALLY!

Help me Lord to be able to accept deliverance from this battle by your hand.

This may not seem like much to anyone else but when I left the church that day, I was a different person.