Suicide

For a good portion of my life I have had to deal with a lot of sickness. Most of which the doctors could not figure out. They just gave me narcotics to treat it, whatever “it” was. I was dealing with unexplainable pain, nausea, as well as migraines, anxiety and depression. At one point I was dealing with hallucinations and voices, however that is another story all together.

I can remember lying on my bed one day just thinking about all the issues that my family and I were dealing with. I was dealing with the realization that my uncle, that I thought loved me, was actually abusing me for his own gain and trying to keep anyone from knowing what had been going on. I was physically sick and the doctors were telling me that there’s nothing wrong, that it’s all in my mind. I was also having severe reactions to the medications that the doctors keep putting me on to treat the illnesses they said weren’t real. My parents were worried, discouraged, stressed and all of my doctors’ visits were becoming a financial burden to them.

I began to think about suicide. It made sense to me. I was not happy and my parents were not happy. My uncle had already made it clear to me that my purpose in life was not a pleasant one, since I was only put here on earth to please men. Suicide just seemed to make the most sense.

I laid there on my bed and thought about how I would go about killing myself. I thought about several different things until I came to one. It was perfect, so I thought. All I had to do was get up and carry out my plan. It was at this point of decision when the Spirit of the Lord came to me and said, “You know that if you do this you will go to Hell.” I thought about this for a moment and responded, “Yes I do… I don’t want to go to Hell.”

When I accepted that truth and decided that I truly wanted to be with the Lord in Heaven, God came down and removed all the thoughts and desire for suicide in my heart and mind. He so completely removed it that I, instantly, could not remember how I had planned on carrying it out. To this day I still cannot remember.

God is such a wonderful, merciful and loving Savior.