I am not alone

I have moments of dealing with emotions that I cannot explain. This is really frustrating to me because I know that my reactions to certain situations are over exaggerated and irrational. I have had times, throughout my life, when I would have trouble with feeling angry but never could figure out why. I thought that it was a character flaw that I need to work on. I never considered that it could be a result of unresolved issues. I am just now beginning to realize the stores of anger that I have walled up with in me.

Today I found myself dealing with these feelings of anger. I prayed about it and felt God’s calming Spirit, however, I thought that I would do some research and see if it was reasonable to be feeling this way while trying to deal with past abuse. I found something unexpected, didn’t really have anything to do with the anger that I was feeling but it was needed.

I want to share a little bit of what I read from a sexual asbuse survivor.

“As a survivor, I simply want to be heard and understood. I want someone I can identify with. I want to be told that I am okay. When a person has been abused sexually, thoughts like “I'm not ok” and “I will never be okay” seem to become ingrained in the psyche. In addition, there are often problems with self-acceptance, guilt, condemnation, feelings of never measuring up, and so on. Those feelings are incorrect. We are okay, and we can live a life of victory!”

When I read this I was surprised at how accurately this described me. He goes on to talk about how most survivors have the same thoughts and feelings. Logically I know that I am not alone and have never been alone in dealing with all this, however, emotionally speaking, I have always felt alone. I suppose that reading this helped me to realize once again that, for this kind of situation, what I am feeling and going through is normal. There is nothing wrong with me.

”A proactive approach to dealing with past abuse involves getting help and taking an introspective look at what happened. Tragically, many sexual abuse survivors choose to avoid help. The confusion of unresolved sexual abuse can lead some people to go from victim to perpetrator. Or the survivor learns to cope through self-abuse, like drugs and alcohol or develops an addiction to sex or pornography. Many abuse survivors believe they cannot get past what happened to them.”

I know that it is only by the grace of God that I have not fallen into the self-abuse category of survivors. I was headed down this path. I don’t really know what happened to pull me away from that direction. It was like one day a light bulb lit up over my head and I realized, “I don’t have to be this way.”

However, I am very much like the last sentence of this paragraph. I had never put it together in those words but I am someone who believed that I would never get past what happened to me or that others would. I have been trying to let God direct me in this for over a year now and I realize that I will get past this.
I am holding onto the promise of God in Isa. 61:3, “…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”

“As a sexual abuse survivor, I've known emptiness. I know what it feels like to have a deep need for love and acceptance.”

This sentence really stood out to me. I know what this is saying. It has only been recently that I have begun to understand that I cannot fill this emptiness with other people. I cannot find the love and acceptance that I need from any human.

“Only God can fill that vacuum with His unconditional love and acceptance. What's more - He longs to do just that! God became a man in Jesus Christ and lived among humans, so He can identify with us in our humanity. He calls us His beloved and wants us to experience His love. In the Bible, we read 1 John 3:1, which says, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." God accepts us just as we are when we come to Him.”

My church had a seminar that I attended not long ago. During this seminar the preacher talked about giving our rights and expectations to God. Since then I have been trying to give God my right and expectations for love and acceptance. I want to look to Him for these things and no one else. When I look to others, such as family and friends, for this I am putting undo pressure upon them to meet needs that they are not capable of meeting.

“As a sexual abuse survivor, you can overcome! … How does overcoming work? For starters, God promises us that when we come to Him, we get a brand new beginning. In Jesus Christ, we become new creations! 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" The Word of God says in Jesus Christ we are overcomers: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). God has already done the work for us, and He loves us just as we are.”

”As a sexual abuse survivor, you have been through a lot. Learning to live as a new creation is like a toddler learning to walk. The toddler takes it one step at a time.”

”Physically, we remain injured and will carry the scars as long as we live. But God promises He is there and will never leave us. "…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). He is there when our minds recall situations, and when our mind, will, and emotions are in darkness and despair. When we suffer mental anguish and condemnation, God is there.”

“As sexual abuse survivors, we'll find it difficult to reconcile thoughts and feelings regarding love and acceptance. Because of our past, we'll know feelings that combat, tear, and rip the heart and soul apart. No one should have to experience what we have been through. But there is hope.”

I have found that this is very true. At my darkest moments God has sent His Holy Spirit as comforter to me. Often times I am confused by this because I am in the middle of suffering from mental anguish and condemnation which is anything but rational. I am convinced that God should not be the least bit interested in me, why would He want to comfort me?! He is there anyway. He knows that my human mind cannot comprehend His love for me and that my human emotions make things more complicated than they should be. I am so glad that He has been and will be there to hold me together when I am falling apart.

”Because God sent His Son to die for us (John 3:16), we can know that we have value and worth. As a sexual abuse survivor, this concept is hard to wrap the mind around - but it's necessary if we're going to move from a survivor to an overcomer.”

Going back to giving our rights and expectations to God, I have been trying to give my self worth to God. I have been making an effort to look at this very thing. Jesus died for me, is there really any greater way for someone to show how much they value you? I don’t understand why anyone would find me this important but Jesus did.

"The essence of overcoming is realizing that love and acceptance are essential to our healing. We can't do this on our own - in fact, it's impossible! Matthew 19:26 says, "…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

I knew from the beginning that I would never make it through this without God walking me through each and every step along the way. As long as I seek His help He is there and has been there this whole time. When I started down this path the way seemed very dark and foreboding, now I am beginning to see light. I know that we have more dark times ahead but I know I am not alone. Jesus is walking right by my side with my hand in His.