Over the past month I have come to a really low place. When I began to think about why I was, were I was; I traced part of it to abandonment issues that I have. I believe that God helped me to remember this.
I am the kind of person who likes to talk about and tell about things and my friends to others. I have always been like that. When I was small and still trusted my uncle, I would tell him all about my friends from school and the guys that I liked. He would tell me that he would see them around town or in stores. He told tell me that he saw the guys that I liked with other girls, kissing, holding hands, or worse. He said things that he thought would discourage friendships. I had no reason to not believe him. I know now that he did this to keep me from getting close enough to people to tell them what was going on. Also, once everything came out, I was told that no one would want to have anything to do with me and that I would never be accepted.
I lost a lot of friends over time but when I lost my three closest friends, I think that all of the lies set themselves in stone as truth.
So, now, not only do I have this false truth carved into my brain it also feeds the thoughts that I am not good enough, for anything. I believe that over the years I have been trying to be good enough to earn people’s love, attention, respect and admiration; even God’s. In most instances I think that I sabotaged my own efforts and turn to discouragement and defeat.
It is incredibly hard for me to comprehend that I will not eventually do something to cause each one of my friends and God to give up and turn away from me.
Last year I began seeing how God loves me, even though I am so messed up. He began to show me His love, the love of my family and friends in a way that I had never experienced before. He is continuing to do this. He told me once that I had to be able to accept His love before I could accept anyone else’s love.
Today, through the daily devotional on Proverbs 31 Ministry’s site, He has shown me again that I am still trying to earn love. The focus was on our motives for doing the things that we do. This is a breakdown of the devotional.
Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?
Doing something “so that we’ll be loved”
• I become very “me” focused
• I put unrealistic expectations on myself and the other person
• get angry/hurt when I don’t feel more noticed, appreciated, or respected
• take my frustration out on myself and that person in an unfair way
• sabotage my own efforts and bend to discouragement and defeat
• I must build myself up to look better.
• I cast all my anxiety on my performance.
• I listen to Satan and stand uncertain trying to rely on my feelings.
• I don’t want to be made stronger – I want life to be easier.
Doing something because I am loved
• I don’t view the relationship from the vantage point of what I stand to gain
• I look at what I have the opportunity to give.
• I am “God focused” and love directed
• I keep my expectations in check.
• I am able to lavish the grace I know I so desperately need
• I live free from regret with clarity of heart, mind, and soul.
• I can humble myself
• I can cast all my anxiety on Him
• I can resist Satan and stand firm in my faith
• I know God will use this to make me stronger – and I want that.
I see myself in the, “so that we’ll be loved”, section more than I really want to admit. When I look at all the characteristics for someone who lives life knowing that they are loved, I see who I want to be. I know that I still have a lot that I need to turn over to God but I have hope that with His help I will be able to live the life of someone who can say, “I am loved.”
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Storms
In light of all the bad weather and storms that we have been facing and hearing about all around us I felt like sharing something that God did for me a number of years ago.
I was working at The Shoe Depot, next to Dog Patch Trading Post, only a few weeks after that the huge tornado tore through Carnaby Square. There wasn’t really anyone in the store that day, just me, a coworker, her daughter and granddaughter. They were off in another part of the store when the door opened. It stood open without anyone coming inside for a moment so I decided to go around the desk and see if, whoever it was needed help coming in. When I could see the door, there was no one there. The door was open by itself. At that moment I felt like I had been transported outside. My body was inside the store, however, I was looking at the building from across the parking lot. There was a dark funnel cloud coming down on top of the store. A large hand appeared underneath the tornado, caught the funnel cloud and with a swift motion, pushed it back up into the sky.
I blinked and opened my eyes to see the door of the store closing. I heard this horrendous noise, looked out the windows at the front of the store and the long sign, which ran the length of the building, came crashing down on top of the cars parked out front. In what seemed like minuets the sky became dark and stormy. Men from all over came and worked at getting the sign cleared away and the cars out from under it. When the situation was investigated, the metal supports holding the sing in place appeared to have been twisted off the building.
I have no idea why God decided to show me this vision; however, I believe that He let me know the truth of what went on that day. He saved my life, along with the other women in the store. If that tornado had continued to form and come down in the middle of the building we would have been lost.
Some months later I was at a different job. Another storm came and fear arose inside of me. That day the Holy Spirit clearly spoke to my heart and said,
“Do you really think that I would save you from one storm just to let you be destroyed by another.”
I thank God for His wonderful and supernatural protection.
* * * *
While typing this blog entry I think about all the families that have been affected by the deadly storms recently. For some reason these were allowed to form. I am reminded of the song, “Peacespeaker”.
It was such a lovely day and the sun was shining bright • A gentle breeze was blowing my way, not a storm cloud in sight • And suddenly without a warming, a storm surrounded my life
I am sure that this is how most of these families feel right now. Not only because of the weather responsible for these storms but because they are now facing storms in their life as they try to pick up the pieces and rebuilding their lives.
Regardless of the cause we all face storms in our lives, some more severe than others. I have faced storms in my own life that I would never have gotten through without the hand of God being there to protect me and pull me through. Every hardship that I face I learn to trust Jesus more and more. I don’t think anyone would say that they enjoy the storms that come our way however as long as we hold onto Jesus we Will make it through.
But even in the storm, I can feel the calm, and here´s the reason why • I know the Peacespeaker, I know Him by name • I know the Peacespeaker, He controls the winds and waves • When He says "peace, be still", they have to obey • I´m glad I know the Peacespeaker, yes I know Him by name
I don’t know what I would do if I did not know Him by name. Jesus truly is the Peace Speaker.
I was working at The Shoe Depot, next to Dog Patch Trading Post, only a few weeks after that the huge tornado tore through Carnaby Square. There wasn’t really anyone in the store that day, just me, a coworker, her daughter and granddaughter. They were off in another part of the store when the door opened. It stood open without anyone coming inside for a moment so I decided to go around the desk and see if, whoever it was needed help coming in. When I could see the door, there was no one there. The door was open by itself. At that moment I felt like I had been transported outside. My body was inside the store, however, I was looking at the building from across the parking lot. There was a dark funnel cloud coming down on top of the store. A large hand appeared underneath the tornado, caught the funnel cloud and with a swift motion, pushed it back up into the sky.
I blinked and opened my eyes to see the door of the store closing. I heard this horrendous noise, looked out the windows at the front of the store and the long sign, which ran the length of the building, came crashing down on top of the cars parked out front. In what seemed like minuets the sky became dark and stormy. Men from all over came and worked at getting the sign cleared away and the cars out from under it. When the situation was investigated, the metal supports holding the sing in place appeared to have been twisted off the building.
I have no idea why God decided to show me this vision; however, I believe that He let me know the truth of what went on that day. He saved my life, along with the other women in the store. If that tornado had continued to form and come down in the middle of the building we would have been lost.
Some months later I was at a different job. Another storm came and fear arose inside of me. That day the Holy Spirit clearly spoke to my heart and said,
“Do you really think that I would save you from one storm just to let you be destroyed by another.”
I thank God for His wonderful and supernatural protection.
* * * *
While typing this blog entry I think about all the families that have been affected by the deadly storms recently. For some reason these were allowed to form. I am reminded of the song, “Peacespeaker”.
It was such a lovely day and the sun was shining bright • A gentle breeze was blowing my way, not a storm cloud in sight • And suddenly without a warming, a storm surrounded my life
I am sure that this is how most of these families feel right now. Not only because of the weather responsible for these storms but because they are now facing storms in their life as they try to pick up the pieces and rebuilding their lives.
Regardless of the cause we all face storms in our lives, some more severe than others. I have faced storms in my own life that I would never have gotten through without the hand of God being there to protect me and pull me through. Every hardship that I face I learn to trust Jesus more and more. I don’t think anyone would say that they enjoy the storms that come our way however as long as we hold onto Jesus we Will make it through.
But even in the storm, I can feel the calm, and here´s the reason why • I know the Peacespeaker, I know Him by name • I know the Peacespeaker, He controls the winds and waves • When He says "peace, be still", they have to obey • I´m glad I know the Peacespeaker, yes I know Him by name
I don’t know what I would do if I did not know Him by name. Jesus truly is the Peace Speaker.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I am not alone
I have moments of dealing with emotions that I cannot explain. This is really frustrating to me because I know that my reactions to certain situations are over exaggerated and irrational. I have had times, throughout my life, when I would have trouble with feeling angry but never could figure out why. I thought that it was a character flaw that I need to work on. I never considered that it could be a result of unresolved issues. I am just now beginning to realize the stores of anger that I have walled up with in me.
Today I found myself dealing with these feelings of anger. I prayed about it and felt God’s calming Spirit, however, I thought that I would do some research and see if it was reasonable to be feeling this way while trying to deal with past abuse. I found something unexpected, didn’t really have anything to do with the anger that I was feeling but it was needed.
I want to share a little bit of what I read from a sexual asbuse survivor.
However, I am very much like the last sentence of this paragraph. I had never put it together in those words but I am someone who believed that I would never get past what happened to me or that others would. I have been trying to let God direct me in this for over a year now and I realize that I will get past this.
I am holding onto the promise of God in Isa. 61:3, “…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”
Today I found myself dealing with these feelings of anger. I prayed about it and felt God’s calming Spirit, however, I thought that I would do some research and see if it was reasonable to be feeling this way while trying to deal with past abuse. I found something unexpected, didn’t really have anything to do with the anger that I was feeling but it was needed.
I want to share a little bit of what I read from a sexual asbuse survivor.
“As a survivor, I simply want to be heard and understood. I want someone I can identify with. I want to be told that I am okay. When a person has been abused sexually, thoughts like “I'm not ok” and “I will never be okay” seem to become ingrained in the psyche. In addition, there are often problems with self-acceptance, guilt, condemnation, feelings of never measuring up, and so on. Those feelings are incorrect. We are okay, and we can live a life of victory!”When I read this I was surprised at how accurately this described me. He goes on to talk about how most survivors have the same thoughts and feelings. Logically I know that I am not alone and have never been alone in dealing with all this, however, emotionally speaking, I have always felt alone. I suppose that reading this helped me to realize once again that, for this kind of situation, what I am feeling and going through is normal. There is nothing wrong with me.
”A proactive approach to dealing with past abuse involves getting help and taking an introspective look at what happened. Tragically, many sexual abuse survivors choose to avoid help. The confusion of unresolved sexual abuse can lead some people to go from victim to perpetrator. Or the survivor learns to cope through self-abuse, like drugs and alcohol or develops an addiction to sex or pornography. Many abuse survivors believe they cannot get past what happened to them.”I know that it is only by the grace of God that I have not fallen into the self-abuse category of survivors. I was headed down this path. I don’t really know what happened to pull me away from that direction. It was like one day a light bulb lit up over my head and I realized, “I don’t have to be this way.”
However, I am very much like the last sentence of this paragraph. I had never put it together in those words but I am someone who believed that I would never get past what happened to me or that others would. I have been trying to let God direct me in this for over a year now and I realize that I will get past this.
I am holding onto the promise of God in Isa. 61:3, “…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”
“As a sexual abuse survivor, I've known emptiness. I know what it feels like to have a deep need for love and acceptance.”This sentence really stood out to me. I know what this is saying. It has only been recently that I have begun to understand that I cannot fill this emptiness with other people. I cannot find the love and acceptance that I need from any human.
“Only God can fill that vacuum with His unconditional love and acceptance. What's more - He longs to do just that! God became a man in Jesus Christ and lived among humans, so He can identify with us in our humanity. He calls us His beloved and wants us to experience His love. In the Bible, we read 1 John 3:1, which says, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." God accepts us just as we are when we come to Him.”My church had a seminar that I attended not long ago. During this seminar the preacher talked about giving our rights and expectations to God. Since then I have been trying to give God my right and expectations for love and acceptance. I want to look to Him for these things and no one else. When I look to others, such as family and friends, for this I am putting undo pressure upon them to meet needs that they are not capable of meeting.
“As a sexual abuse survivor, you can overcome! … How does overcoming work? For starters, God promises us that when we come to Him, we get a brand new beginning. In Jesus Christ, we become new creations! 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" The Word of God says in Jesus Christ we are overcomers: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). God has already done the work for us, and He loves us just as we are.”
”As a sexual abuse survivor, you have been through a lot. Learning to live as a new creation is like a toddler learning to walk. The toddler takes it one step at a time.”
”Physically, we remain injured and will carry the scars as long as we live. But God promises He is there and will never leave us. "…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). He is there when our minds recall situations, and when our mind, will, and emotions are in darkness and despair. When we suffer mental anguish and condemnation, God is there.”
“As sexual abuse survivors, we'll find it difficult to reconcile thoughts and feelings regarding love and acceptance. Because of our past, we'll know feelings that combat, tear, and rip the heart and soul apart. No one should have to experience what we have been through. But there is hope.”I have found that this is very true. At my darkest moments God has sent His Holy Spirit as comforter to me. Often times I am confused by this because I am in the middle of suffering from mental anguish and condemnation which is anything but rational. I am convinced that God should not be the least bit interested in me, why would He want to comfort me?! He is there anyway. He knows that my human mind cannot comprehend His love for me and that my human emotions make things more complicated than they should be. I am so glad that He has been and will be there to hold me together when I am falling apart.
”Because God sent His Son to die for us (John 3:16), we can know that we have value and worth. As a sexual abuse survivor, this concept is hard to wrap the mind around - but it's necessary if we're going to move from a survivor to an overcomer.”Going back to giving our rights and expectations to God, I have been trying to give my self worth to God. I have been making an effort to look at this very thing. Jesus died for me, is there really any greater way for someone to show how much they value you? I don’t understand why anyone would find me this important but Jesus did.
"The essence of overcoming is realizing that love and acceptance are essential to our healing. We can't do this on our own - in fact, it's impossible! Matthew 19:26 says, "…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."I knew from the beginning that I would never make it through this without God walking me through each and every step along the way. As long as I seek His help He is there and has been there this whole time. When I started down this path the way seemed very dark and foreboding, now I am beginning to see light. I know that we have more dark times ahead but I know I am not alone. Jesus is walking right by my side with my hand in His.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
My Goals for 2011
I have been thinking about my goals for 2011. At the beginning of the year my pastor challenged us, as a congregations as well as individuals, to make spiritual goals for this new year. It has really given me something to think about. I am sure that as this year goes on and I hear of other’s goals some of my own will change, however, this is what I have right now.
My goals
1. I need to become more aggressive in every aspect of my walk with God; praying, seeking, reading, learning, witnessing.
2. Regarding my family
a. I want to see my family saved this year.
b. I need to be able to forgive
3. I want to move forward in letting God be my councilor. There are many things, emotionally that I have yet to overcome. I want to be open to whatever I need to do or allow God to do in order to heal spiritually.
4. I have been praying for a healing for a while and believe that God has promised me a complete healing of all the problems that I face physically. However, I need to do my part. I need to be physically fit.
5. I want to be a support to those who need it.
a. I want to be there for my friends as they face hard times.
b. I want to push my family to reach their goals and go beyond what they think is possible for them.
c. I want to be able to join in agreement with my church family in praying for their needs and goals.
d. I want to be able to talk to the people that call work and let them know that they have hope in God for their needs especially when they can’t get any help from doctors.
6. I want to believe God for a husband, of His choosing, to come into my life this year.
7. I want to see something new and fresh happen with the yarn ministry. I would like to see God open doors for our Yarn of Compassion to reach more people in other areas of the US and abroad.
I believe that God has dealt with me about each of these areas and I have to remember that God would not deal with me to do something without having a reason for it. I don’t always have to understand everything, just do it.
My goals
1. I need to become more aggressive in every aspect of my walk with God; praying, seeking, reading, learning, witnessing.
2. Regarding my family
a. I want to see my family saved this year.
b. I need to be able to forgive
3. I want to move forward in letting God be my councilor. There are many things, emotionally that I have yet to overcome. I want to be open to whatever I need to do or allow God to do in order to heal spiritually.
4. I have been praying for a healing for a while and believe that God has promised me a complete healing of all the problems that I face physically. However, I need to do my part. I need to be physically fit.
5. I want to be a support to those who need it.
a. I want to be there for my friends as they face hard times.
b. I want to push my family to reach their goals and go beyond what they think is possible for them.
c. I want to be able to join in agreement with my church family in praying for their needs and goals.
d. I want to be able to talk to the people that call work and let them know that they have hope in God for their needs especially when they can’t get any help from doctors.
6. I want to believe God for a husband, of His choosing, to come into my life this year.
7. I want to see something new and fresh happen with the yarn ministry. I would like to see God open doors for our Yarn of Compassion to reach more people in other areas of the US and abroad.
I believe that God has dealt with me about each of these areas and I have to remember that God would not deal with me to do something without having a reason for it. I don’t always have to understand everything, just do it.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
What's been stolen?
I have been thinking about a conversation that I had with an Aunt. She said that my uncle, her husband, was mad about the abuse that I experienced because it stole His time with me, when I was small. She said that He turned to her nieces and played with them like crazy. I wonder if that’s part of the reason that we never had that much interaction with their boys. I know that there were age differences but there really isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t have had a good relationship with their oldest one, he is close to the age of one of my best friends. When I mentioned this to my Mother she told me that another one of my uncles thought I hated him until he found out what had been happening.
I have never looked at thing from this perspective before. I have never really considered the effects of the abuse on anyone other than myself and perhaps my parents. I never really thought about how the rest of my family would be affected – should be affected. I know that it’s not my fault but in a way I feel like it is.
Why would I let this affect my relationship with my other uncles?
Could it be that subconsciously I thought that they would treat me the same way?
In some ways this new perspective horrifies me. How many other relationships were lost because of this abuse? How many are being affected, still, today?
Can these relationships be minded?
In a conversation with Mom about all this she pointed out that my uncles, on the other side of the family, should have been just as upset if not more so. My time and relationship with them were stolen as well. However, they should have felt that their trust in a loved one was stolen. Shouldn’t they have felt betrayed?
What if it had been one of my other cousins instead of me?
Would it have been handled any differently?
For years I have felt like they consider their happiness to be more important than me. They would rather keep the peace within the established family rather than take up for one insignificant child. They found dumb reasons to cast me out rather than the one who committed the crime. Why? Why not deal with the actual problem? If they were afraid of breaking the family apart shouldn’t they have considered, that by choosing Him over me, that they were actually alienating my parents as well? I don’t understand.
I keep thinking about other families, that I am aware of, that have had to deal with similar situations. I can understand the family still loving Him because you can’t just stop loving someone, no matter what they do. God calls us to love one another, even our enemies.
I wonder; what if something like that happened on Mom’s side of the family?
How would I react?
In each of these other families the situations were still dealt with. It has been hard in each case but the right thing is being done in order to protect those who could be hurt. Could it be that measures have to be taken against the offender not only to protect others but maybe even themselves?
I have never looked at thing from this perspective before. I have never really considered the effects of the abuse on anyone other than myself and perhaps my parents. I never really thought about how the rest of my family would be affected – should be affected. I know that it’s not my fault but in a way I feel like it is.
Why would I let this affect my relationship with my other uncles?
Could it be that subconsciously I thought that they would treat me the same way?
In some ways this new perspective horrifies me. How many other relationships were lost because of this abuse? How many are being affected, still, today?
Can these relationships be minded?
In a conversation with Mom about all this she pointed out that my uncles, on the other side of the family, should have been just as upset if not more so. My time and relationship with them were stolen as well. However, they should have felt that their trust in a loved one was stolen. Shouldn’t they have felt betrayed?
What if it had been one of my other cousins instead of me?
Would it have been handled any differently?
For years I have felt like they consider their happiness to be more important than me. They would rather keep the peace within the established family rather than take up for one insignificant child. They found dumb reasons to cast me out rather than the one who committed the crime. Why? Why not deal with the actual problem? If they were afraid of breaking the family apart shouldn’t they have considered, that by choosing Him over me, that they were actually alienating my parents as well? I don’t understand.
I keep thinking about other families, that I am aware of, that have had to deal with similar situations. I can understand the family still loving Him because you can’t just stop loving someone, no matter what they do. God calls us to love one another, even our enemies.
I wonder; what if something like that happened on Mom’s side of the family?
How would I react?
In each of these other families the situations were still dealt with. It has been hard in each case but the right thing is being done in order to protect those who could be hurt. Could it be that measures have to be taken against the offender not only to protect others but maybe even themselves?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Suicide
For a good portion of my life I have had to deal with a lot of sickness. Most of which the doctors could not figure out. They just gave me narcotics to treat it, whatever “it” was. I was dealing with unexplainable pain, nausea, as well as migraines, anxiety and depression. At one point I was dealing with hallucinations and voices, however that is another story all together.
I can remember lying on my bed one day just thinking about all the issues that my family and I were dealing with. I was dealing with the realization that my uncle, that I thought loved me, was actually abusing me for his own gain and trying to keep anyone from knowing what had been going on. I was physically sick and the doctors were telling me that there’s nothing wrong, that it’s all in my mind. I was also having severe reactions to the medications that the doctors keep putting me on to treat the illnesses they said weren’t real. My parents were worried, discouraged, stressed and all of my doctors’ visits were becoming a financial burden to them.
I began to think about suicide. It made sense to me. I was not happy and my parents were not happy. My uncle had already made it clear to me that my purpose in life was not a pleasant one, since I was only put here on earth to please men. Suicide just seemed to make the most sense.
I laid there on my bed and thought about how I would go about killing myself. I thought about several different things until I came to one. It was perfect, so I thought. All I had to do was get up and carry out my plan. It was at this point of decision when the Spirit of the Lord came to me and said, “You know that if you do this you will go to Hell.” I thought about this for a moment and responded, “Yes I do… I don’t want to go to Hell.”
When I accepted that truth and decided that I truly wanted to be with the Lord in Heaven, God came down and removed all the thoughts and desire for suicide in my heart and mind. He so completely removed it that I, instantly, could not remember how I had planned on carrying it out. To this day I still cannot remember.
God is such a wonderful, merciful and loving Savior.
I can remember lying on my bed one day just thinking about all the issues that my family and I were dealing with. I was dealing with the realization that my uncle, that I thought loved me, was actually abusing me for his own gain and trying to keep anyone from knowing what had been going on. I was physically sick and the doctors were telling me that there’s nothing wrong, that it’s all in my mind. I was also having severe reactions to the medications that the doctors keep putting me on to treat the illnesses they said weren’t real. My parents were worried, discouraged, stressed and all of my doctors’ visits were becoming a financial burden to them.
I began to think about suicide. It made sense to me. I was not happy and my parents were not happy. My uncle had already made it clear to me that my purpose in life was not a pleasant one, since I was only put here on earth to please men. Suicide just seemed to make the most sense.
I laid there on my bed and thought about how I would go about killing myself. I thought about several different things until I came to one. It was perfect, so I thought. All I had to do was get up and carry out my plan. It was at this point of decision when the Spirit of the Lord came to me and said, “You know that if you do this you will go to Hell.” I thought about this for a moment and responded, “Yes I do… I don’t want to go to Hell.”
When I accepted that truth and decided that I truly wanted to be with the Lord in Heaven, God came down and removed all the thoughts and desire for suicide in my heart and mind. He so completely removed it that I, instantly, could not remember how I had planned on carrying it out. To this day I still cannot remember.
God is such a wonderful, merciful and loving Savior.
I AM Good Enough
God has done so much for me with in the past several weeks, months. He has delivered me from anxiety, brought me through depression and He has given me confidence that I have not had before. He has not stopped proving Himself to me.
The biggest lie that I have had to deal with is that, “I am not good enough.” This thought has permeated my entire being. I am not good enough at work, at being a daughter, friend, a Christian or anything else you can imagine. A couple of few weeks ago I was having a really hard time, thinking that I was not good enough to help pray for the revival efforts going on at my church.
I wanted to go pray during lunch one day and faced a battle within my mind. I knew I needed to pray for revival but I felt like I still had things wrong with me and that I couldn’t pray for other people who needed help when I still needed help. I knew that this was a lie of the enemy and that I was capable of praying for other people I just felt like I needed to pray for help myself. I felt selfish for wanting this and the devil used that against me. I went to the church anyway unsure of what I was actually going to do.
I got to the church still in turmoil of how I should try to pray and the Lord spoke to my heart and simply said, “I am your councilor.” All my thought stopped and that realization sunk in. My only response was, “Oh, OK Lord.” He led me into the sanctuary, and down to the front pew where I sat down. He then began to talk me through all these thoughts that I have been having and dealing with them like a counselor would. I had to go back out to my car for my journal to write down all that He was giving me. I wanted to share a bit.
~Why do I not think I am good enough?
~Did God tell me that?
Answer: No
~Who did?
Answer: the enemy, the devil, the father of lies.
~Why are you afraid to fail?
Everyone fails; there is only one who is perfect.
Remember what was said the other night in a testimony,
“It’s possible that it could be safer to err on the side of being in the flesh rather than miss the Spirit of God telling you to do something.”
God cares for individuals as well as a move of His spirit. Why else would He be dealing with the church to remove individual obstacles from each life. His spirit is moving because His people are responding to Him at the same time, in one accord, to become closer to Him and be within His will.
He cares for me and does not want me to feel this way!
He loves me! INDIVIDUALLY!
Help me Lord to be able to accept deliverance from this battle by your hand.
This may not seem like much to anyone else but when I left the church that day, I was a different person.
The biggest lie that I have had to deal with is that, “I am not good enough.” This thought has permeated my entire being. I am not good enough at work, at being a daughter, friend, a Christian or anything else you can imagine. A couple of few weeks ago I was having a really hard time, thinking that I was not good enough to help pray for the revival efforts going on at my church.
I wanted to go pray during lunch one day and faced a battle within my mind. I knew I needed to pray for revival but I felt like I still had things wrong with me and that I couldn’t pray for other people who needed help when I still needed help. I knew that this was a lie of the enemy and that I was capable of praying for other people I just felt like I needed to pray for help myself. I felt selfish for wanting this and the devil used that against me. I went to the church anyway unsure of what I was actually going to do.
I got to the church still in turmoil of how I should try to pray and the Lord spoke to my heart and simply said, “I am your councilor.” All my thought stopped and that realization sunk in. My only response was, “Oh, OK Lord.” He led me into the sanctuary, and down to the front pew where I sat down. He then began to talk me through all these thoughts that I have been having and dealing with them like a counselor would. I had to go back out to my car for my journal to write down all that He was giving me. I wanted to share a bit.
~Why do I not think I am good enough?
~Did God tell me that?
Answer: No
~Who did?
Answer: the enemy, the devil, the father of lies.
~Why are you afraid to fail?
Everyone fails; there is only one who is perfect.
Remember what was said the other night in a testimony,
“It’s possible that it could be safer to err on the side of being in the flesh rather than miss the Spirit of God telling you to do something.”
God cares for individuals as well as a move of His spirit. Why else would He be dealing with the church to remove individual obstacles from each life. His spirit is moving because His people are responding to Him at the same time, in one accord, to become closer to Him and be within His will.
He cares for me and does not want me to feel this way!
He loves me! INDIVIDUALLY!
Help me Lord to be able to accept deliverance from this battle by your hand.
This may not seem like much to anyone else but when I left the church that day, I was a different person.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Beloved
I do not believe that I am any different from any other woman. I dream of finding my one true love, my knight in shining armor. While I do consider myself a hopeless romantic I understand that there are no fairy tale romances in real life. Nevertheless, one of my hearts desires has always been to find a husband. I have been hindered for so long in this effort and never understood why. I thought that it just wasn’t in God’s will for me to have someone in my life, to never know the love of a companion. This thought has grieved me for years.
Before I knew where God would lead me, I was beginning to confide in a friend of mine, who just so happened to be a councilor. One day when I was sharing this desire for a relationship with her, she said something that really made me stop and think. Her words to me were, “Maybe God wants you to work on yourself before He brings someone else into your life.” I heard the truth of it immediately, however I didn’t know what it meant.
Not long after this conversation God opened my eyes to what needed to happen in my heart. (Refer to my previous post, My Testimony.) One of the things that I have had to try to do in this journey of healing is learn how to feel emotions instead of suppress them. The feelings of being unlovable and void of value were and, at times, still are the strongest emotions. I began to deal with these as best I could.
While out of town one night I turned on the TV, found a romantic move and became interested in the storyline. I watched as my two favorite characters inevitably fell in love. A deep sorrow settled on me and that night I remember lying in bed sobbing into my pillow asking God, “Why can’t I be loved!” After a few minutes of listening to my heart ache, God said to me,
“You have to be able to accept My love before you can accept anyone else’s.”
I began to do some serious self examination on my feelings toward God. I wanted to understand the love relationship that we can have with Christ. I thought about the illustrations of Christ being a bridegroom and the church being His bride. I could not keep from wondering, “Is it wrong to think of Jesus as being my husband? Can I really have that kind of relationship with Him?”
I looked through the Bible looking for God’s love. I know, that sounds crazy. I tried different chapters and verses in the Bible that I thought would give me what I was looking for and kept coming up empty. I know that God loves us but I kept seeing it as a father and child love relationship and that wasn’t what I needed. I could see Him as a king and ruler over my life but not a husband. I kept getting caught up with the physical aspects of it. I wanted someone to hold me when I was having a bad day or give me their shoulder to cry on when I needed one. Someone told me that God could send us people who would act as His arms but that didn’t satisfy me either. I wanted to, Literally, fall into the arms of Jesus.
As an answer to the questions in my mind and heart I heard poetry come through the speakers of my car. These words are what caught my attention;
Love of my life • Look deep in my eyes • There you will find what you need…
You’re my beloved • Lover I’m yours • and Death shall not part us • It’s you I died for • For better or worse • Forever we’ll be • Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me.
For a moment my mind, thoughts and heart seemed to be completely still and then excitement came. Could this really be God’s answer to me?
I listened to this song, Beloved, over and over again, knowing that it held a message to me from God. Still, I had trouble understanding.
During revival, there was a message about the love relationship we have with God. This message began to put the pieces together for me. I began to see that Jesus is already in love with me, that He is calling me closer to Him. He wants that same intimate connection with me that I have been wanting with Him. I have been listening to the enemy who keeps telling me that no one wants me not even God can love me. The Spirit moved on my heart and I understood something that had been alluding me from the beginning.
The Spiritual intimacy that I can have with Christ is far greater than any physical intimacy that I could have with someone here, in this world.
It’s such a simple thought that once it was given to me I wondered why it had never occurred to me before.
Today I know that God sees me as not just a child, subject or servant but as a Woman. He knows me and my needs with a deeper understanding than I do. He wants me to know Him in the same way. There is a spiritual woman inside me that is beginning to stand up and take a stand against the lies that the enemy has been feeding me for the past twenty-four years.
God Loves Me! My Lord! My Jesus! The Lover of My Soul!
Before I knew where God would lead me, I was beginning to confide in a friend of mine, who just so happened to be a councilor. One day when I was sharing this desire for a relationship with her, she said something that really made me stop and think. Her words to me were, “Maybe God wants you to work on yourself before He brings someone else into your life.” I heard the truth of it immediately, however I didn’t know what it meant.
Not long after this conversation God opened my eyes to what needed to happen in my heart. (Refer to my previous post, My Testimony.) One of the things that I have had to try to do in this journey of healing is learn how to feel emotions instead of suppress them. The feelings of being unlovable and void of value were and, at times, still are the strongest emotions. I began to deal with these as best I could.
While out of town one night I turned on the TV, found a romantic move and became interested in the storyline. I watched as my two favorite characters inevitably fell in love. A deep sorrow settled on me and that night I remember lying in bed sobbing into my pillow asking God, “Why can’t I be loved!” After a few minutes of listening to my heart ache, God said to me,
“You have to be able to accept My love before you can accept anyone else’s.”
I began to do some serious self examination on my feelings toward God. I wanted to understand the love relationship that we can have with Christ. I thought about the illustrations of Christ being a bridegroom and the church being His bride. I could not keep from wondering, “Is it wrong to think of Jesus as being my husband? Can I really have that kind of relationship with Him?”
I looked through the Bible looking for God’s love. I know, that sounds crazy. I tried different chapters and verses in the Bible that I thought would give me what I was looking for and kept coming up empty. I know that God loves us but I kept seeing it as a father and child love relationship and that wasn’t what I needed. I could see Him as a king and ruler over my life but not a husband. I kept getting caught up with the physical aspects of it. I wanted someone to hold me when I was having a bad day or give me their shoulder to cry on when I needed one. Someone told me that God could send us people who would act as His arms but that didn’t satisfy me either. I wanted to, Literally, fall into the arms of Jesus.
As an answer to the questions in my mind and heart I heard poetry come through the speakers of my car. These words are what caught my attention;
Love of my life • Look deep in my eyes • There you will find what you need…
You’re my beloved • Lover I’m yours • and Death shall not part us • It’s you I died for • For better or worse • Forever we’ll be • Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me.
For a moment my mind, thoughts and heart seemed to be completely still and then excitement came. Could this really be God’s answer to me?
I listened to this song, Beloved, over and over again, knowing that it held a message to me from God. Still, I had trouble understanding.
During revival, there was a message about the love relationship we have with God. This message began to put the pieces together for me. I began to see that Jesus is already in love with me, that He is calling me closer to Him. He wants that same intimate connection with me that I have been wanting with Him. I have been listening to the enemy who keeps telling me that no one wants me not even God can love me. The Spirit moved on my heart and I understood something that had been alluding me from the beginning.
The Spiritual intimacy that I can have with Christ is far greater than any physical intimacy that I could have with someone here, in this world.
It’s such a simple thought that once it was given to me I wondered why it had never occurred to me before.
Today I know that God sees me as not just a child, subject or servant but as a Woman. He knows me and my needs with a deeper understanding than I do. He wants me to know Him in the same way. There is a spiritual woman inside me that is beginning to stand up and take a stand against the lies that the enemy has been feeding me for the past twenty-four years.
God Loves Me! My Lord! My Jesus! The Lover of My Soul!
Monday, August 2, 2010
My Testimony
When I was small, 6 years old, I began to face an evil that continued for six years. I am now an adult living with the affects of this past child abuse. My abuser was someone trusted by my family. No one would have ever thought of him as a pedophile.
God wants to bring me out from under that evil. It’s something that I have lived with for nearly my entire life. I never understood or really knew the affects of it until God put His finger on this situation, a little under a year ago. Since then He has pointed me down the road that He would have me to travel. It’s a dark one. However, I know that He is the light that illuminates my path, one step at a time.
I know now that most of the trouble that I face physically and emotionally comes from this past abuse. I have dealt with physical pain in just about every part of my body, migraine headaches, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts over the years.
God called me to pray for my own healing a few years ago. Not long after I began to pray He told me that my physical problems come from an evil source. Even knowing my own history it never really clicked as to the true meaning of this.
Later God began to deal with me about having a closer walk with Him. I began to eliminate things out of my life as He pointed them out to me. I suppose you could say that I was fasting those things in my life that didn’t have anything to do with God. I had been filling myself up with things of this world and leaving no room for the things of God. During this fasting time, I was not to read any secular books or watch any secular entertainment. I was to only have things that had to do with God.
I began reading Christian based fiction and looking for Christian based movies. God began to speak to me through those books and the situations that each character faced. He began to show me what can happen to people when they bury things deep inside them and refuse to deal with it. I went through 6 books before I came to the place that God wanted me. It was the seventh book, A Rush of Wings, that really brought everything together for me. It was with this character that I found myself looking into a mirror.
It was a shock to me when God pointed this situation out. I don’t know why, unless it was because I was so afraid of what might happen if I really were to face it. So much is wrapped up in this situation, not just the abuse but things that came after as well as things that happened once everything was made known to my family.
As I began to pray about the direction I was to take, God spoke directly to my heart and said, “You have to let your spirit be healed before I can heal your body.” At that moment I made a commitment to do the will of God and I knew that for once I was doing Exactly what He wanted me to do.
It is obvious to me, now, that God has sent people into my life to help me with all the strugels that I am and have faced. As I began to accept this path and to pray about it I had several different feelings. The first was a kind of excitement. I thought about the kind of person that I would be on the other side of this and knew that I would come out of it closer to God. The next was a very real fear and sinking feeling, because of the thought that I was going to have to face the darkest part of my life. I knew that things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. The third was the feeling of walls, inside me, crumbling down and releasing a flood of emotions that I have kept hidden and locked away All my life. Sometimes it feels like I am going to be washed away by the tide. That’s when I have to remember who put me on this path and literally make him my anchor.
I am learning more about myself and my relationship with God all the time. The most important realization came the other night in revival while standing at the alter.
God is going to bring me out of this!
I do not put my testimony out here looking for sympathy. I have shared it to tell what God is doing for me, in my life. I will write more later but for now I just want to encourage others that no matter what kind of darkness you have faced or are facing now – God is bigger!
God wants to bring me out from under that evil. It’s something that I have lived with for nearly my entire life. I never understood or really knew the affects of it until God put His finger on this situation, a little under a year ago. Since then He has pointed me down the road that He would have me to travel. It’s a dark one. However, I know that He is the light that illuminates my path, one step at a time.
I know now that most of the trouble that I face physically and emotionally comes from this past abuse. I have dealt with physical pain in just about every part of my body, migraine headaches, depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts over the years.
God called me to pray for my own healing a few years ago. Not long after I began to pray He told me that my physical problems come from an evil source. Even knowing my own history it never really clicked as to the true meaning of this.
Later God began to deal with me about having a closer walk with Him. I began to eliminate things out of my life as He pointed them out to me. I suppose you could say that I was fasting those things in my life that didn’t have anything to do with God. I had been filling myself up with things of this world and leaving no room for the things of God. During this fasting time, I was not to read any secular books or watch any secular entertainment. I was to only have things that had to do with God.
I began reading Christian based fiction and looking for Christian based movies. God began to speak to me through those books and the situations that each character faced. He began to show me what can happen to people when they bury things deep inside them and refuse to deal with it. I went through 6 books before I came to the place that God wanted me. It was the seventh book, A Rush of Wings, that really brought everything together for me. It was with this character that I found myself looking into a mirror.
It was a shock to me when God pointed this situation out. I don’t know why, unless it was because I was so afraid of what might happen if I really were to face it. So much is wrapped up in this situation, not just the abuse but things that came after as well as things that happened once everything was made known to my family.
As I began to pray about the direction I was to take, God spoke directly to my heart and said, “You have to let your spirit be healed before I can heal your body.” At that moment I made a commitment to do the will of God and I knew that for once I was doing Exactly what He wanted me to do.
It is obvious to me, now, that God has sent people into my life to help me with all the strugels that I am and have faced. As I began to accept this path and to pray about it I had several different feelings. The first was a kind of excitement. I thought about the kind of person that I would be on the other side of this and knew that I would come out of it closer to God. The next was a very real fear and sinking feeling, because of the thought that I was going to have to face the darkest part of my life. I knew that things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. The third was the feeling of walls, inside me, crumbling down and releasing a flood of emotions that I have kept hidden and locked away All my life. Sometimes it feels like I am going to be washed away by the tide. That’s when I have to remember who put me on this path and literally make him my anchor.
I am learning more about myself and my relationship with God all the time. The most important realization came the other night in revival while standing at the alter.
God is going to bring me out of this!
I do not put my testimony out here looking for sympathy. I have shared it to tell what God is doing for me, in my life. I will write more later but for now I just want to encourage others that no matter what kind of darkness you have faced or are facing now – God is bigger!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
What Have I done?
We had a good service today. The kind that really makes you start to think. So if you will bear with me, I am going to share my thoughts with you. Not because I want to seem Holier than thou or to show how Heavenly minded I am. My reason for this is simply because I think I should and I care.
OK so here goes.
I was thinking about how, for many years, people have been saying, “Get right with God, He is coming soon! Repent!” There are so many ways for people to disregard this warning. Even in the Bible they say that the time of the Lord’s returning is at hand. I think that this warning has become more like the boy who cried wolf than anything else, to most people. No one takes it seriously anymore. Not even Christians.
However, for me, I know in my heart that the return of Jesus is soon and my spirit confirms this. Much sooner than anyone would like to think. The bible tells us that He will come when no one is looking for Him. Well, if this is really the case, right now could be considered the perfect time.
You know, this thought should not bring sorrow, fear or worry. For those of us who know the Christ, we should be comforted in this time.
There are a few things that should be considered right now.
The first should be:
Do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when the heavenly trumpet sounds, you will be called up to meet your savior?
Will you be among those saints that are taken from this world and kept from the great tribulation?
For those that said No:
Will you recognize the rapture after it has happened?
Will you know that you were left behind?
What will you do then?
Do you think that you will turn to God at that time?
If so, do you think it will be easier to live your life for God then rather than now, when you will face persecution like no one here has before?
Or, will you decide to do something about it now instead of then?
I beg of you, do not take these questions lightly! My heart goes out to those who do not know the Lord or who is not secure in their relationship with Him. Please! Please! Please consider these things! Do not disregard these questions but ponder over them in your heart.
For those that said Yes:
What will you do now?
You know that you are safe from the tribulation, but what of those around you?
Do you have loved ones that are not so confident?
Do you plan on taking anyone with you to meet Jesus?
These are not questions that I ask without first asking myself the same things.
What have I done to warn others of the danger in waiting until it’s too late?
What can I say to people who have not chosen a God centered life?
Is there anything that I can say?
How long am I going to be afraid to say anything because I don’t want to offend someone or make them mad at me?
Do I live my life for God, Man or Myself?
I can no longer afford to walk on my tiptoes. I have to determine in my own heart how I will live the rest of my days with the knowledge that the return of Christ is soon. I have to overcome my fears and reach out to people. I do not want to get to the throne of heaven and be told, “You knew! Why then, did you not tell anyone else?”
The Bible tells us to go out into all the world and tell people of Jesus, the son of God, and what He did for us.
Have I done my part?
These are my thoughts. I wanted to share them with you, if for no other reason than to just let them out. Maybe it’s just to let someone else know that they are not alone in what they are thinking.
I love you and God be with you.
OK so here goes.
I was thinking about how, for many years, people have been saying, “Get right with God, He is coming soon! Repent!” There are so many ways for people to disregard this warning. Even in the Bible they say that the time of the Lord’s returning is at hand. I think that this warning has become more like the boy who cried wolf than anything else, to most people. No one takes it seriously anymore. Not even Christians.
However, for me, I know in my heart that the return of Jesus is soon and my spirit confirms this. Much sooner than anyone would like to think. The bible tells us that He will come when no one is looking for Him. Well, if this is really the case, right now could be considered the perfect time.
You know, this thought should not bring sorrow, fear or worry. For those of us who know the Christ, we should be comforted in this time.
There are a few things that should be considered right now.
The first should be:
Do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when the heavenly trumpet sounds, you will be called up to meet your savior?
Will you be among those saints that are taken from this world and kept from the great tribulation?
For those that said No:
Will you recognize the rapture after it has happened?
Will you know that you were left behind?
What will you do then?
Do you think that you will turn to God at that time?
If so, do you think it will be easier to live your life for God then rather than now, when you will face persecution like no one here has before?
Or, will you decide to do something about it now instead of then?
I beg of you, do not take these questions lightly! My heart goes out to those who do not know the Lord or who is not secure in their relationship with Him. Please! Please! Please consider these things! Do not disregard these questions but ponder over them in your heart.
For those that said Yes:
What will you do now?
You know that you are safe from the tribulation, but what of those around you?
Do you have loved ones that are not so confident?
Do you plan on taking anyone with you to meet Jesus?
These are not questions that I ask without first asking myself the same things.
What have I done to warn others of the danger in waiting until it’s too late?
What can I say to people who have not chosen a God centered life?
Is there anything that I can say?
How long am I going to be afraid to say anything because I don’t want to offend someone or make them mad at me?
Do I live my life for God, Man or Myself?
I can no longer afford to walk on my tiptoes. I have to determine in my own heart how I will live the rest of my days with the knowledge that the return of Christ is soon. I have to overcome my fears and reach out to people. I do not want to get to the throne of heaven and be told, “You knew! Why then, did you not tell anyone else?”
The Bible tells us to go out into all the world and tell people of Jesus, the son of God, and what He did for us.
Have I done my part?
These are my thoughts. I wanted to share them with you, if for no other reason than to just let them out. Maybe it’s just to let someone else know that they are not alone in what they are thinking.
I love you and God be with you.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Renaissance Festival
I know that this may make me geeky but I am so excited about going to the Renaissance Festival this weekend! I went to one back in the summer and had a lot of fun. This one is suppose to be a lot bigger. This weekend is Pirates weekend. I wonder if I can find me a pirate!
Part of me wants to go dressed in the renaissance garb like everyone else but part of me is afraid to. I plan on trying a turkey leg. I have never had one. I am taking a friend with me. I hope she doesn't regret agreeing to go. One things for sure, I should have something to scrapbook when I get back. Oh well, that's what's getting me through this day. Not been a great one but hopefully it will get better.
OK that's the end of my ramblings.
Part of me wants to go dressed in the renaissance garb like everyone else but part of me is afraid to. I plan on trying a turkey leg. I have never had one. I am taking a friend with me. I hope she doesn't regret agreeing to go. One things for sure, I should have something to scrapbook when I get back. Oh well, that's what's getting me through this day. Not been a great one but hopefully it will get better.
OK that's the end of my ramblings.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The last of my baby book
These are the last of my baby paper bag book pages.
There isn't anything fancy here. These are the first two that I did. I guess I was just trying to get back into it again.
I loved this paper. It had the word Mother written all over it in several different languages. I just love that.
I only used one of my stamps with this book, primarily because I realized that I didn't have or at lest couldn't find the stuff to clean my stamps with. I hate leaving them with ink on them.
I am not really crazy about this paper but I think it came together well and still looks little girlish.
Out of these three this one is my favorite.
These pages I really wanted to be designated for Dad but I couldn't find anything that I had that said Dad on it. Oh well I guess it doesn't really matter.
This one was kind of tedious. I don't think I realized how long it would take to cut this out. However, I like the results.
OK that's it. I know that I am going to have to start something new now but I am at a loss as to what. I may try to join in more challenges and really begin to do some things for me. I haven't done much for myself. I like to do things for other people. I would really like to do an album based on maps maybe I could try that next. We shall see. Thanks for all the comments. :)
There isn't anything fancy here. These are the first two that I did. I guess I was just trying to get back into it again.
I loved this paper. It had the word Mother written all over it in several different languages. I just love that.
I only used one of my stamps with this book, primarily because I realized that I didn't have or at lest couldn't find the stuff to clean my stamps with. I hate leaving them with ink on them.
I am not really crazy about this paper but I think it came together well and still looks little girlish.
Out of these three this one is my favorite.
These pages I really wanted to be designated for Dad but I couldn't find anything that I had that said Dad on it. Oh well I guess it doesn't really matter.
This one was kind of tedious. I don't think I realized how long it would take to cut this out. However, I like the results.
OK that's it. I know that I am going to have to start something new now but I am at a loss as to what. I may try to join in more challenges and really begin to do some things for me. I haven't done much for myself. I like to do things for other people. I would really like to do an album based on maps maybe I could try that next. We shall see. Thanks for all the comments. :)
Friday, September 11, 2009
Second, Third and Fourth Challenge! and then some.
OK well I am going to try to put up more of my paper bag book that I have been working on. I decided to try my hand at a few more challenges. This one is for Scrapbooking Stampede's sketch.
I loved this paper.
The next challenge I decided to try was for Mojo Monday sketch. I like the way it turned out, however once it was done I see things that I could have done better. I guess everyone is like that thou.
The last one I did was for a sketch from Unscripted Sketches.
OK so that's all that I did for challenges. I did get some inspiration for the rest of my pages from looking at every one's work. Thanks for posting such pretty and interesting pages.
This idea came out of a magazine, pulse the bedding that's being used in her baby's room is all done in mushrooms and snails. I Love mushrooms, almost as much as Momiji loves owls. ;)
another page using mushrooms. I am not showing them in order, I hope no one cares.
The insert that I did to match it.
The next three pages I did are probably my favorite. I got this idea out of a magazine as well.
I have a few more pages that I can post but at the moment I need to go for now. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do to improve I am all ears. Thanks.
I loved this paper.
The next challenge I decided to try was for Mojo Monday sketch. I like the way it turned out, however once it was done I see things that I could have done better. I guess everyone is like that thou.
The last one I did was for a sketch from Unscripted Sketches.
OK so that's all that I did for challenges. I did get some inspiration for the rest of my pages from looking at every one's work. Thanks for posting such pretty and interesting pages.
This idea came out of a magazine, pulse the bedding that's being used in her baby's room is all done in mushrooms and snails. I Love mushrooms, almost as much as Momiji loves owls. ;)
another page using mushrooms. I am not showing them in order, I hope no one cares.
The insert that I did to match it.
The next three pages I did are probably my favorite. I got this idea out of a magazine as well.
I have a few more pages that I can post but at the moment I need to go for now. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do to improve I am all ears. Thanks.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
My First Challenge!!
I haven't done any scrapbooking in a really long time. I decided to make a paper bag book for a woman that I work with who just had a baby girl. While I was working on this book my friend, Momiji, told me about these challenges she was doing on her blog. After some time I decided to check it out and it helped me to get back into the spirit of scrapbooking.
I have finally finished a page that I am going to enter into Get Sketchy's SG4#. I like this one because it was so different from what I am use to doing.
I am going to post the rest hopefully tomorrow. It's a bit late and I think Hollie would like me to leave now. :)
I have finally finished a page that I am going to enter into Get Sketchy's SG4#. I like this one because it was so different from what I am use to doing.
I am going to post the rest hopefully tomorrow. It's a bit late and I think Hollie would like me to leave now. :)
Monday, September 7, 2009
Blogg candy drawing for spreading the word
* Martha Stewart gem stone glitter set (18 total colors!)
*Martha Stewart Drippy Goo border punch
*Martha Stewart Heart & Flower clear stamp set (18 stamps!)
* THREE different Rachelle Anne Miller clear stamps by Stampavie!
*1 wood mounted "Riley on hammock" stamp from Hanna Stamps
*1 wood mounted "Ewe are Beary Special" stamp from Darcie's
*Basic Grey Wisteria paper pack
*Basic Grey Wisteria glazed brads pkg.
*39 piece set of K & Company chipboard die-cut shapes
*pkg. of 6 winter style paper pins (archival safe)
*pkg. of 4 acrylic rhinestone flourish accents
*pkg. of Daisy d's scrapbook wallet kit
*pkg. of Miss Elizabeth's Floral 12" x 12" designer papers
*Quick Quotes "The Best Vacation" journal title
*Quick Quotes vellum quotes Fall themed
*Quick Quotes vellum quotes & tags friendship themed
*pkg. of 3 metal word stickers
*2 spools of metallic ribbon (silver & gold 5 yds each)
*15 spools of various colored ribbon!!!! (10 yds. each)
*pkg. of 75 tiny pastel buttons
*pkg. of 12 gold metal book plates
*pkg of 40 pieces of red & pink photo holders
Saturday Spotlight with Hidden Potential
Go check it out!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Fall
I Love Fall! I know it wont be fall until September 22 but today, to me at lest, feels like a fall day. The leaves on the trees outside my house are starting to change colors and the stores are getting all the cold weather cloths in. It makes me want to pull out my boots and sweaters. I am also feeling my knitting fever coming on. I need to get all my UFOs (unfinished objects) out and get some work done. Now that my friend has Finally gotten me to start blogging I am thinking about trying to find some knitting challenges to get involved with. Maybe it will do for me what the scrap booking challenges have done for her.
Oh well, thats what I have been thinking about today.
Oh well, thats what I have been thinking about today.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sorrow and Joy?
Over the past few days I have been thinking about these two things. Earlier in the week I received an email with this link, A Call to Anguish-David Wilkerson. I don't know if it will touch everyone the way it did me but I was truly convicted by it. I am one who wanted to take things easy. I was concerned but didn't want the get too involved with things. I wanted to be happy. I still want to be happy.
Just after listening to this I heard a short segment on Klove radio station by Jesus Freaks. This was talking about how the deciples were promised that they would experience constant sorrow and joy. Sorrow and Joy? My first thought was of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban. There is a part where Ron is trying to read Harry's tea leaves and he says ''your going to suffer but your going to be happy about it" with a very doubtfully look on his face. I guess that's kind of how I was feeling. How can you have both at the same time? Can you feel anguish and joy?
I am not sure I have the answer to that yet but I am beginning to understand that I can't hide from sorrow any more, not that I ever could to begin with. I am terrified of what's to come and what I may have to face. It scares me to think about sharing in God's anguish but I can't let my fear keep me from God. I know that is just what I was doing. I think that I let the fear start to control me more than I it. I know that spirit of fear does not come from God.
God does give us the promise that He will never give us more than we can handle and that He will be there with us all the way, no matter what. There are levels to God's power that I haven't even begun to comprehend yet. This is one of them. I pray that God will help me to overcome my fears and give me the courage that I need to face what I must to grow strong in Him. Keep me in your prayers.
Just after listening to this I heard a short segment on Klove radio station by Jesus Freaks. This was talking about how the deciples were promised that they would experience constant sorrow and joy. Sorrow and Joy? My first thought was of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban. There is a part where Ron is trying to read Harry's tea leaves and he says ''your going to suffer but your going to be happy about it" with a very doubtfully look on his face. I guess that's kind of how I was feeling. How can you have both at the same time? Can you feel anguish and joy?
I am not sure I have the answer to that yet but I am beginning to understand that I can't hide from sorrow any more, not that I ever could to begin with. I am terrified of what's to come and what I may have to face. It scares me to think about sharing in God's anguish but I can't let my fear keep me from God. I know that is just what I was doing. I think that I let the fear start to control me more than I it. I know that spirit of fear does not come from God.
God does give us the promise that He will never give us more than we can handle and that He will be there with us all the way, no matter what. There are levels to God's power that I haven't even begun to comprehend yet. This is one of them. I pray that God will help me to overcome my fears and give me the courage that I need to face what I must to grow strong in Him. Keep me in your prayers.
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