The False Truth

Over the past month I have come to a really low place. When I began to think about why I was, were I was; I traced part of it to abandonment issues that I have. I believe that God helped me to remember this.

I am the kind of person who likes to talk about and tell about things and my friends to others. I have always been like that. When I was small and still trusted my uncle, I would tell him all about my friends from school and the guys that I liked. He would tell me that he would see them around town or in stores. He told tell me that he saw the guys that I liked with other girls, kissing, holding hands, or worse. He said things that he thought would discourage friendships. I had no reason to not believe him. I know now that he did this to keep me from getting close enough to people to tell them what was going on. Also, once everything came out, I was told that no one would want to have anything to do with me and that I would never be accepted.

I lost a lot of friends over time but when I lost my three closest friends, I think that all of the lies set themselves in stone as truth.

So, now, not only do I have this false truth carved into my brain it also feeds the thoughts that I am not good enough, for anything. I believe that over the years I have been trying to be good enough to earn people’s love, attention, respect and admiration; even God’s. In most instances I think that I sabotaged my own efforts and turn to discouragement and defeat.

It is incredibly hard for me to comprehend that I will not eventually do something to cause each one of my friends and God to give up and turn away from me.

Last year I began seeing how God loves me, even though I am so messed up. He began to show me His love, the love of my family and friends in a way that I had never experienced before. He is continuing to do this. He told me once that I had to be able to accept His love before I could accept anyone else’s love.

Today, through the daily devotional on Proverbs 31 Ministry’s site, He has shown me again that I am still trying to earn love. The focus was on our motives for doing the things that we do. This is a breakdown of the devotional.

Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?

Doing something “so that we’ll be loved”
• I become very “me” focused
• I put unrealistic expectations on myself and the other person
• get angry/hurt when I don’t feel more noticed, appreciated, or respected
• take my frustration out on myself and that person in an unfair way
• sabotage my own efforts and bend to discouragement and defeat
• I must build myself up to look better.
• I cast all my anxiety on my performance.
• I listen to Satan and stand uncertain trying to rely on my feelings.
• I don’t want to be made stronger – I want life to be easier.

Doing something because I am loved
• I don’t view the relationship from the vantage point of what I stand to gain
• I look at what I have the opportunity to give.
• I am “God focused” and love directed
• I keep my expectations in check.
• I am able to lavish the grace I know I so desperately need
• I live free from regret with clarity of heart, mind, and soul.
• I can humble myself
• I can cast all my anxiety on Him
• I can resist Satan and stand firm in my faith
• I know God will use this to make me stronger – and I want that.

I see myself in the, “so that we’ll be loved”, section more than I really want to admit. When I look at all the characteristics for someone who lives life knowing that they are loved, I see who I want to be. I know that I still have a lot that I need to turn over to God but I have hope that with His help I will be able to live the life of someone who can say, “I am loved.”