Beloved

I do not believe that I am any different from any other woman. I dream of finding my one true love, my knight in shining armor. While I do consider myself a hopeless romantic I understand that there are no fairy tale romances in real life. Nevertheless, one of my hearts desires has always been to find a husband. I have been hindered for so long in this effort and never understood why. I thought that it just wasn’t in God’s will for me to have someone in my life, to never know the love of a companion. This thought has grieved me for years.

Before I knew where God would lead me, I was beginning to confide in a friend of mine, who just so happened to be a councilor. One day when I was sharing this desire for a relationship with her, she said something that really made me stop and think. Her words to me were, “Maybe God wants you to work on yourself before He brings someone else into your life.” I heard the truth of it immediately, however I didn’t know what it meant.

Not long after this conversation God opened my eyes to what needed to happen in my heart. (Refer to my previous post, My Testimony.) One of the things that I have had to try to do in this journey of healing is learn how to feel emotions instead of suppress them. The feelings of being unlovable and void of value were and, at times, still are the strongest emotions. I began to deal with these as best I could.

While out of town one night I turned on the TV, found a romantic move and became interested in the storyline. I watched as my two favorite characters inevitably fell in love. A deep sorrow settled on me and that night I remember lying in bed sobbing into my pillow asking God, “Why can’t I be loved!” After a few minutes of listening to my heart ache, God said to me,

“You have to be able to accept My love before you can accept anyone else’s.”

I began to do some serious self examination on my feelings toward God. I wanted to understand the love relationship that we can have with Christ. I thought about the illustrations of Christ being a bridegroom and the church being His bride. I could not keep from wondering, “Is it wrong to think of Jesus as being my husband? Can I really have that kind of relationship with Him?”

I looked through the Bible looking for God’s love. I know, that sounds crazy. I tried different chapters and verses in the Bible that I thought would give me what I was looking for and kept coming up empty. I know that God loves us but I kept seeing it as a father and child love relationship and that wasn’t what I needed. I could see Him as a king and ruler over my life but not a husband. I kept getting caught up with the physical aspects of it. I wanted someone to hold me when I was having a bad day or give me their shoulder to cry on when I needed one. Someone told me that God could send us people who would act as His arms but that didn’t satisfy me either. I wanted to, Literally, fall into the arms of Jesus.

As an answer to the questions in my mind and heart I heard poetry come through the speakers of my car. These words are what caught my attention;

Love of my life • Look deep in my eyes • There you will find what you need…
You’re my beloved • Lover I’m yours • and Death shall not part us • It’s you I died for • For better or worse • Forever we’ll be • Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me.

For a moment my mind, thoughts and heart seemed to be completely still and then excitement came. Could this really be God’s answer to me?

I listened to this song, Beloved, over and over again, knowing that it held a message to me from God. Still, I had trouble understanding.

During revival, there was a message about the love relationship we have with God. This message began to put the pieces together for me. I began to see that Jesus is already in love with me, that He is calling me closer to Him. He wants that same intimate connection with me that I have been wanting with Him. I have been listening to the enemy who keeps telling me that no one wants me not even God can love me. The Spirit moved on my heart and I understood something that had been alluding me from the beginning.

The Spiritual intimacy that I can have with Christ is far greater than any physical intimacy that I could have with someone here, in this world.

It’s such a simple thought that once it was given to me I wondered why it had never occurred to me before.

Today I know that God sees me as not just a child, subject or servant but as a Woman. He knows me and my needs with a deeper understanding than I do. He wants me to know Him in the same way. There is a spiritual woman inside me that is beginning to stand up and take a stand against the lies that the enemy has been feeding me for the past twenty-four years.

God Loves Me! My Lord! My Jesus! The Lover of My Soul!