Over the past month I have come to a really low place. When I began to think about why I was, were I was; I traced part of it to abandonment issues that I have. I believe that God helped me to remember this.
I am the kind of person who likes to talk about and tell about things and my friends to others. I have always been like that. When I was small and still trusted my uncle, I would tell him all about my friends from school and the guys that I liked. He would tell me that he would see them around town or in stores. He told tell me that he saw the guys that I liked with other girls, kissing, holding hands, or worse. He said things that he thought would discourage friendships. I had no reason to not believe him. I know now that he did this to keep me from getting close enough to people to tell them what was going on. Also, once everything came out, I was told that no one would want to have anything to do with me and that I would never be accepted.
I lost a lot of friends over time but when I lost my three closest friends, I think that all of the lies set themselves in stone as truth.
So, now, not only do I have this false truth carved into my brain it also feeds the thoughts that I am not good enough, for anything. I believe that over the years I have been trying to be good enough to earn people’s love, attention, respect and admiration; even God’s. In most instances I think that I sabotaged my own efforts and turn to discouragement and defeat.
It is incredibly hard for me to comprehend that I will not eventually do something to cause each one of my friends and God to give up and turn away from me.
Last year I began seeing how God loves me, even though I am so messed up. He began to show me His love, the love of my family and friends in a way that I had never experienced before. He is continuing to do this. He told me once that I had to be able to accept His love before I could accept anyone else’s love.
Today, through the daily devotional on Proverbs 31 Ministry’s site, He has shown me again that I am still trying to earn love. The focus was on our motives for doing the things that we do. This is a breakdown of the devotional.
Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?
Doing something “so that we’ll be loved”
• I become very “me” focused
• I put unrealistic expectations on myself and the other person
• get angry/hurt when I don’t feel more noticed, appreciated, or respected
• take my frustration out on myself and that person in an unfair way
• sabotage my own efforts and bend to discouragement and defeat
• I must build myself up to look better.
• I cast all my anxiety on my performance.
• I listen to Satan and stand uncertain trying to rely on my feelings.
• I don’t want to be made stronger – I want life to be easier.
Doing something because I am loved
• I don’t view the relationship from the vantage point of what I stand to gain
• I look at what I have the opportunity to give.
• I am “God focused” and love directed
• I keep my expectations in check.
• I am able to lavish the grace I know I so desperately need
• I live free from regret with clarity of heart, mind, and soul.
• I can humble myself
• I can cast all my anxiety on Him
• I can resist Satan and stand firm in my faith
• I know God will use this to make me stronger – and I want that.
I see myself in the, “so that we’ll be loved”, section more than I really want to admit. When I look at all the characteristics for someone who lives life knowing that they are loved, I see who I want to be. I know that I still have a lot that I need to turn over to God but I have hope that with His help I will be able to live the life of someone who can say, “I am loved.”
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Storms
In light of all the bad weather and storms that we have been facing and hearing about all around us I felt like sharing something that God did for me a number of years ago.
I was working at The Shoe Depot, next to Dog Patch Trading Post, only a few weeks after that the huge tornado tore through Carnaby Square. There wasn’t really anyone in the store that day, just me, a coworker, her daughter and granddaughter. They were off in another part of the store when the door opened. It stood open without anyone coming inside for a moment so I decided to go around the desk and see if, whoever it was needed help coming in. When I could see the door, there was no one there. The door was open by itself. At that moment I felt like I had been transported outside. My body was inside the store, however, I was looking at the building from across the parking lot. There was a dark funnel cloud coming down on top of the store. A large hand appeared underneath the tornado, caught the funnel cloud and with a swift motion, pushed it back up into the sky.
I blinked and opened my eyes to see the door of the store closing. I heard this horrendous noise, looked out the windows at the front of the store and the long sign, which ran the length of the building, came crashing down on top of the cars parked out front. In what seemed like minuets the sky became dark and stormy. Men from all over came and worked at getting the sign cleared away and the cars out from under it. When the situation was investigated, the metal supports holding the sing in place appeared to have been twisted off the building.
I have no idea why God decided to show me this vision; however, I believe that He let me know the truth of what went on that day. He saved my life, along with the other women in the store. If that tornado had continued to form and come down in the middle of the building we would have been lost.
Some months later I was at a different job. Another storm came and fear arose inside of me. That day the Holy Spirit clearly spoke to my heart and said,
“Do you really think that I would save you from one storm just to let you be destroyed by another.”
I thank God for His wonderful and supernatural protection.
* * * *
While typing this blog entry I think about all the families that have been affected by the deadly storms recently. For some reason these were allowed to form. I am reminded of the song, “Peacespeaker”.
It was such a lovely day and the sun was shining bright • A gentle breeze was blowing my way, not a storm cloud in sight • And suddenly without a warming, a storm surrounded my life
I am sure that this is how most of these families feel right now. Not only because of the weather responsible for these storms but because they are now facing storms in their life as they try to pick up the pieces and rebuilding their lives.
Regardless of the cause we all face storms in our lives, some more severe than others. I have faced storms in my own life that I would never have gotten through without the hand of God being there to protect me and pull me through. Every hardship that I face I learn to trust Jesus more and more. I don’t think anyone would say that they enjoy the storms that come our way however as long as we hold onto Jesus we Will make it through.
But even in the storm, I can feel the calm, and here´s the reason why • I know the Peacespeaker, I know Him by name • I know the Peacespeaker, He controls the winds and waves • When He says "peace, be still", they have to obey • I´m glad I know the Peacespeaker, yes I know Him by name
I don’t know what I would do if I did not know Him by name. Jesus truly is the Peace Speaker.
I was working at The Shoe Depot, next to Dog Patch Trading Post, only a few weeks after that the huge tornado tore through Carnaby Square. There wasn’t really anyone in the store that day, just me, a coworker, her daughter and granddaughter. They were off in another part of the store when the door opened. It stood open without anyone coming inside for a moment so I decided to go around the desk and see if, whoever it was needed help coming in. When I could see the door, there was no one there. The door was open by itself. At that moment I felt like I had been transported outside. My body was inside the store, however, I was looking at the building from across the parking lot. There was a dark funnel cloud coming down on top of the store. A large hand appeared underneath the tornado, caught the funnel cloud and with a swift motion, pushed it back up into the sky.
I blinked and opened my eyes to see the door of the store closing. I heard this horrendous noise, looked out the windows at the front of the store and the long sign, which ran the length of the building, came crashing down on top of the cars parked out front. In what seemed like minuets the sky became dark and stormy. Men from all over came and worked at getting the sign cleared away and the cars out from under it. When the situation was investigated, the metal supports holding the sing in place appeared to have been twisted off the building.
I have no idea why God decided to show me this vision; however, I believe that He let me know the truth of what went on that day. He saved my life, along with the other women in the store. If that tornado had continued to form and come down in the middle of the building we would have been lost.
Some months later I was at a different job. Another storm came and fear arose inside of me. That day the Holy Spirit clearly spoke to my heart and said,
“Do you really think that I would save you from one storm just to let you be destroyed by another.”
I thank God for His wonderful and supernatural protection.
* * * *
While typing this blog entry I think about all the families that have been affected by the deadly storms recently. For some reason these were allowed to form. I am reminded of the song, “Peacespeaker”.
It was such a lovely day and the sun was shining bright • A gentle breeze was blowing my way, not a storm cloud in sight • And suddenly without a warming, a storm surrounded my life
I am sure that this is how most of these families feel right now. Not only because of the weather responsible for these storms but because they are now facing storms in their life as they try to pick up the pieces and rebuilding their lives.
Regardless of the cause we all face storms in our lives, some more severe than others. I have faced storms in my own life that I would never have gotten through without the hand of God being there to protect me and pull me through. Every hardship that I face I learn to trust Jesus more and more. I don’t think anyone would say that they enjoy the storms that come our way however as long as we hold onto Jesus we Will make it through.
But even in the storm, I can feel the calm, and here´s the reason why • I know the Peacespeaker, I know Him by name • I know the Peacespeaker, He controls the winds and waves • When He says "peace, be still", they have to obey • I´m glad I know the Peacespeaker, yes I know Him by name
I don’t know what I would do if I did not know Him by name. Jesus truly is the Peace Speaker.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I am not alone
I have moments of dealing with emotions that I cannot explain. This is really frustrating to me because I know that my reactions to certain situations are over exaggerated and irrational. I have had times, throughout my life, when I would have trouble with feeling angry but never could figure out why. I thought that it was a character flaw that I need to work on. I never considered that it could be a result of unresolved issues. I am just now beginning to realize the stores of anger that I have walled up with in me.
Today I found myself dealing with these feelings of anger. I prayed about it and felt God’s calming Spirit, however, I thought that I would do some research and see if it was reasonable to be feeling this way while trying to deal with past abuse. I found something unexpected, didn’t really have anything to do with the anger that I was feeling but it was needed.
I want to share a little bit of what I read from a sexual asbuse survivor.
However, I am very much like the last sentence of this paragraph. I had never put it together in those words but I am someone who believed that I would never get past what happened to me or that others would. I have been trying to let God direct me in this for over a year now and I realize that I will get past this.
I am holding onto the promise of God in Isa. 61:3, “…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”
Today I found myself dealing with these feelings of anger. I prayed about it and felt God’s calming Spirit, however, I thought that I would do some research and see if it was reasonable to be feeling this way while trying to deal with past abuse. I found something unexpected, didn’t really have anything to do with the anger that I was feeling but it was needed.
I want to share a little bit of what I read from a sexual asbuse survivor.
“As a survivor, I simply want to be heard and understood. I want someone I can identify with. I want to be told that I am okay. When a person has been abused sexually, thoughts like “I'm not ok” and “I will never be okay” seem to become ingrained in the psyche. In addition, there are often problems with self-acceptance, guilt, condemnation, feelings of never measuring up, and so on. Those feelings are incorrect. We are okay, and we can live a life of victory!”When I read this I was surprised at how accurately this described me. He goes on to talk about how most survivors have the same thoughts and feelings. Logically I know that I am not alone and have never been alone in dealing with all this, however, emotionally speaking, I have always felt alone. I suppose that reading this helped me to realize once again that, for this kind of situation, what I am feeling and going through is normal. There is nothing wrong with me.
”A proactive approach to dealing with past abuse involves getting help and taking an introspective look at what happened. Tragically, many sexual abuse survivors choose to avoid help. The confusion of unresolved sexual abuse can lead some people to go from victim to perpetrator. Or the survivor learns to cope through self-abuse, like drugs and alcohol or develops an addiction to sex or pornography. Many abuse survivors believe they cannot get past what happened to them.”I know that it is only by the grace of God that I have not fallen into the self-abuse category of survivors. I was headed down this path. I don’t really know what happened to pull me away from that direction. It was like one day a light bulb lit up over my head and I realized, “I don’t have to be this way.”
However, I am very much like the last sentence of this paragraph. I had never put it together in those words but I am someone who believed that I would never get past what happened to me or that others would. I have been trying to let God direct me in this for over a year now and I realize that I will get past this.
I am holding onto the promise of God in Isa. 61:3, “…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”
“As a sexual abuse survivor, I've known emptiness. I know what it feels like to have a deep need for love and acceptance.”This sentence really stood out to me. I know what this is saying. It has only been recently that I have begun to understand that I cannot fill this emptiness with other people. I cannot find the love and acceptance that I need from any human.
“Only God can fill that vacuum with His unconditional love and acceptance. What's more - He longs to do just that! God became a man in Jesus Christ and lived among humans, so He can identify with us in our humanity. He calls us His beloved and wants us to experience His love. In the Bible, we read 1 John 3:1, which says, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." God accepts us just as we are when we come to Him.”My church had a seminar that I attended not long ago. During this seminar the preacher talked about giving our rights and expectations to God. Since then I have been trying to give God my right and expectations for love and acceptance. I want to look to Him for these things and no one else. When I look to others, such as family and friends, for this I am putting undo pressure upon them to meet needs that they are not capable of meeting.
“As a sexual abuse survivor, you can overcome! … How does overcoming work? For starters, God promises us that when we come to Him, we get a brand new beginning. In Jesus Christ, we become new creations! 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" The Word of God says in Jesus Christ we are overcomers: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). God has already done the work for us, and He loves us just as we are.”
”As a sexual abuse survivor, you have been through a lot. Learning to live as a new creation is like a toddler learning to walk. The toddler takes it one step at a time.”
”Physically, we remain injured and will carry the scars as long as we live. But God promises He is there and will never leave us. "…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). He is there when our minds recall situations, and when our mind, will, and emotions are in darkness and despair. When we suffer mental anguish and condemnation, God is there.”
“As sexual abuse survivors, we'll find it difficult to reconcile thoughts and feelings regarding love and acceptance. Because of our past, we'll know feelings that combat, tear, and rip the heart and soul apart. No one should have to experience what we have been through. But there is hope.”I have found that this is very true. At my darkest moments God has sent His Holy Spirit as comforter to me. Often times I am confused by this because I am in the middle of suffering from mental anguish and condemnation which is anything but rational. I am convinced that God should not be the least bit interested in me, why would He want to comfort me?! He is there anyway. He knows that my human mind cannot comprehend His love for me and that my human emotions make things more complicated than they should be. I am so glad that He has been and will be there to hold me together when I am falling apart.
”Because God sent His Son to die for us (John 3:16), we can know that we have value and worth. As a sexual abuse survivor, this concept is hard to wrap the mind around - but it's necessary if we're going to move from a survivor to an overcomer.”Going back to giving our rights and expectations to God, I have been trying to give my self worth to God. I have been making an effort to look at this very thing. Jesus died for me, is there really any greater way for someone to show how much they value you? I don’t understand why anyone would find me this important but Jesus did.
"The essence of overcoming is realizing that love and acceptance are essential to our healing. We can't do this on our own - in fact, it's impossible! Matthew 19:26 says, "…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."I knew from the beginning that I would never make it through this without God walking me through each and every step along the way. As long as I seek His help He is there and has been there this whole time. When I started down this path the way seemed very dark and foreboding, now I am beginning to see light. I know that we have more dark times ahead but I know I am not alone. Jesus is walking right by my side with my hand in His.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
My Goals for 2011
I have been thinking about my goals for 2011. At the beginning of the year my pastor challenged us, as a congregations as well as individuals, to make spiritual goals for this new year. It has really given me something to think about. I am sure that as this year goes on and I hear of other’s goals some of my own will change, however, this is what I have right now.
My goals
1. I need to become more aggressive in every aspect of my walk with God; praying, seeking, reading, learning, witnessing.
2. Regarding my family
a. I want to see my family saved this year.
b. I need to be able to forgive
3. I want to move forward in letting God be my councilor. There are many things, emotionally that I have yet to overcome. I want to be open to whatever I need to do or allow God to do in order to heal spiritually.
4. I have been praying for a healing for a while and believe that God has promised me a complete healing of all the problems that I face physically. However, I need to do my part. I need to be physically fit.
5. I want to be a support to those who need it.
a. I want to be there for my friends as they face hard times.
b. I want to push my family to reach their goals and go beyond what they think is possible for them.
c. I want to be able to join in agreement with my church family in praying for their needs and goals.
d. I want to be able to talk to the people that call work and let them know that they have hope in God for their needs especially when they can’t get any help from doctors.
6. I want to believe God for a husband, of His choosing, to come into my life this year.
7. I want to see something new and fresh happen with the yarn ministry. I would like to see God open doors for our Yarn of Compassion to reach more people in other areas of the US and abroad.
I believe that God has dealt with me about each of these areas and I have to remember that God would not deal with me to do something without having a reason for it. I don’t always have to understand everything, just do it.
My goals
1. I need to become more aggressive in every aspect of my walk with God; praying, seeking, reading, learning, witnessing.
2. Regarding my family
a. I want to see my family saved this year.
b. I need to be able to forgive
3. I want to move forward in letting God be my councilor. There are many things, emotionally that I have yet to overcome. I want to be open to whatever I need to do or allow God to do in order to heal spiritually.
4. I have been praying for a healing for a while and believe that God has promised me a complete healing of all the problems that I face physically. However, I need to do my part. I need to be physically fit.
5. I want to be a support to those who need it.
a. I want to be there for my friends as they face hard times.
b. I want to push my family to reach their goals and go beyond what they think is possible for them.
c. I want to be able to join in agreement with my church family in praying for their needs and goals.
d. I want to be able to talk to the people that call work and let them know that they have hope in God for their needs especially when they can’t get any help from doctors.
6. I want to believe God for a husband, of His choosing, to come into my life this year.
7. I want to see something new and fresh happen with the yarn ministry. I would like to see God open doors for our Yarn of Compassion to reach more people in other areas of the US and abroad.
I believe that God has dealt with me about each of these areas and I have to remember that God would not deal with me to do something without having a reason for it. I don’t always have to understand everything, just do it.
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